Happiness

I spend a lot of time searching for it, so I know that everyone else is trying to do the same- and that’s the part that makes me sad. I can’t help but to blame the internet, or the ‘go’ that coffee gives, or anything that seems to move faster than humans alone do. But those things aren’t happiness. Anything temporarily providing the sensation like when cool wind blows at the peak of fall, isn’t permanent happiness. That, is only one feeling alone. Happiness encompasses all– seeing the right things, hearing sounds clearly and being aware of them, intense arrival in your heart when love is there and alive, balance moving you forward gracefully, and most importantly your mind remains with no fear.  Happiness is like pulling on your lover and having them right there for you because they know that you need them.  That gesture, that feeling of alrightness, provides a level of comfort for you to take a deep inhale and exhale right where you are, knowing that everything is meant to be exactly how it is at that very moment. And that, is enough. You are full.

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On growth & moving along in life.

I don’t have any intentions for this post, I’ve just been laying in my bed scrolling through post from my longtime favorite bloggers and began to notice a theme. At now 23, I still loathe in the ideas from the same blogs I read when I was in the eleventh grade. I admired many women who grew up in the tri-state area, their crazy nights in the city, their passion for love and their lovers. They all seemed so vibrant and anew. Now when I read their writing and where they are in life, it saddens me to see that they have gone through so much while searching for their identity through words and still are but now much older than me.  Many have gone in and out of relationships, homes, family members-everything they once loved to the highest tier. It’s something about tracking your life in these blog spaces. It gives you the chance to reflect back and see how much you’ve progressed or how much you’ve digressed. And that thought brought me right to my own center. Everything I’ve ever “lost” is simply because I had to lose it. Every tough moment developed me into a very hard working woman, and sometimes I find myself never wanting to stop working. Working on myself. Working on a goal. Working on relationships. The growth that we experience comes from our ability to take our losses as things that have to occur to reach our ultimate being.  But there’s also growth of the mind. Doing what you have to do for yourself, while not worrying about the opinions from anyone else. Allowing yourself to not let negative thoughts overpower the positive ones. Listening more and really understanding what’s going on around you.
Now, everything is aligning and my goals are making so much sense. It’s kind of exciting to see that the woman I thought I always wanted to be, I’m completely opposite from that and it’s worked out just fine. Adversity will always be, but raising yourself to a higher level moves you farther away from it. 

List.

In the mornings I find myself making list of things I am grateful for, to do list, affirmations, list to work through ideas and conflict. On this particular morning I feel the need to write out a list for me and for you, of ways to stay in the moment and to create little happy instances throughout your day. I’ve struggled with this lately, and have felt lost on so many levels because my mind hasn’t been grounded. There’s so much going on at every moment that I have to care about to contribute to society and that weighs heavy on my mind and spirit (a lot of it is also negative).

I have become the woman who wants to save the world by giving all of my strength away, leaving nothing left for myself. But that’s not okay. There is gentleness in the quiet hours that we often don’t pay attention to. In our down time we quickly grab our phones and dive into an entirely different dimension, giving our good energy away to more negative things. If we focus on what makes us feel good, those will be the things we will run to when our vibrations need to be lifted-over and over. Pay attention to what those things are and make a list of it, then practice making those things your refuge.

1. I love starting my mornings off with tea in my favorite mug. It reminds me of quiet & peace & I feel that as I drink & gather my thoughts.

2. I am a gift giver. It makes me feel good to pay attention to what others desire and for me to randomly give that to them, especially when I know it’s something I can do and it makes two people feel good.

3. Listen more. When I am listening and not speaking I find this beautiful moment of process in my mind. I notice how much patience it takes to let someone else have the floor. I also feel closer to whoever I am having a conversation with, because they are letting me in to who
they are, word by word.

4. Open your blinds in your room and allow all sunlight to rush in. Such a mood changer.

5. Always let people you love know that you also appreciate them and what for.

6. Clean the areas around you and afterwards sit in those areas with a book or with pen and paper to take in those pure areas.- lighting incense in this moment will triple perfect it.

7. Fresh fruits are so refreshing and when you eat them you’ll feel like a bucket of clean cold water.

8. I love going to the bookstore with no intentions of buying anything. The smell of new books is incredible and I learn something new every time I go.

9. Sex! Here me out, sex isn’t a thing you do when there’s nothing to do. It takes honesty, clarity, and time. Explore your own body. Get to know yourself and what comforts you. Then, bring those things back to your partner through guidance.

10. Explore music. Where’d your favorite genre first start?

11. Make yourself look nice. Whatever that is to you. When we look good we usually feel good.

12. Outside is my thing. I now know that the sun and I have a special connection through history and I love spending time with it.

13. Sometimes I delete certain apps on my phone (Instagram and Facebook). I don’t need to constantly be reminded of my struggles and I also hate to always be reminded of others struggles as well. Being on these sites is usually never good entertainment for me. So to cut the desire of pressing on these apps every five minutes, I delete it altogether until I’ve created enough space between me and those worlds.

14. Cooking at home makes me feel like a cook and I like that. Plus I feel healthier knowing what’s exactly in my food. Plant-based lifestyles are also so important! More greens than anything people.

15. Studying spirituality even though I don’t believe in a specific thing and think religion is silly. We are our own religion in a sense. We are who we go to everyday, constantly trying to make ourselves feel better. We seek encouragement at an individual level first. I love learning about the law of attraction and how what we think, we become. Negative attracts negative. Positive attracts positive.

16. Love any and everyone you encounter without judgement. I am working on the without judgement part, there’s just some crazy things going on out here.

17. Spend time with yourself. Without your phone, without people. You have to have that quality time to figure out what’s going on inside and work through that before you rub it off on the people you really care about.

still love.

just a little message here. if you are finding yourself taking steps back from those you are constantly trying to love, because giving it feels like lumps making home on your throat; keep being you. the best self control is not allowing someone to shake your happiness and eagerness to share that with other people. the company that misery needs is one like what an infant requires from its mother. but you do not have to be the care-giver, the hand-holder, the only provider. when you love you should naturally feel that in return. and if you don’t, find areas or humans that will represent that for you. in the meantime, still love.

vulnerability.

special bonds bring complications with vulnerability for me. connections with the people that i love oh so much, that if I let go of control with them i just might lose them. i know better than to do this. vulnerability is the closest thing to love itself. hard to let your guard down, and also hard to love when love never loved you back before. when we are ready to romantically love we also put ourselves in a position to be vulnerable. but being willing was always enough for me, just maybe it never displayed this clear. we have to always know that being fearful and having a guard as high as skyscrapers can never work. let’s also not waste time with people. let’s listen to what they’re telling us. let’s admit that letting someone know how you are feeling sucks. let people love you and reciprocate that love. let’s watch what gestures they take that remind you of your connection and how you found each other in the first place. even if it was lust. we think we know the deeper surface of the start and the finish. we think we are responsible for putting us in these perfect spaces, but life still continues to surprise me everyday and i’m still wondering who’s controlling all of this shit. what i’m saying is, stopping the beauty and the ups & downs of loving someone because i’m afraid will never lead me to experiencing the opportunity. it’s luck or a privilege or a blessing to surround yourself with people who are connected with you and it’s just understood. there’s no fighting that. there’s no control in that. i recommend self-care. when we are aware of how we are feeling, we won’t be prone to throwing those emotions on others. i do that a lot. i scream “i’m afraid of losing you” through silence and i know that that’s not okay. i also feel a lot so i need the people that i love to know that and understand it. just as i have to understand that my lover cares for himself differently than i do, and sometimes it doesn’t involve me. i resort to safe places like writing, exercising, taking myself out alone, catching up with old friends. i’m allowing myself to have the beautiful life i had before, and that has nothing to do with the love i have for anyone. being a two, but also remaining one is difficult but over time you find balance. being vulnerable is so beautiful! when i think about opening my heart at its core for someone i truly feel euphoric. it’s a conversation that two souls are having that don’t need words. let yourself go. and that control thing, let it go too.

-a letter for me and for you.

August Rant.

it’s fucked up watching people need all of these things. stop what you are doing right now and assess your belongings. ask yourself, “how many times do i use this throughout my daily routines?”

if you aren’t regularly needing it, let’s all take a break so that you can rid of it. i’ve always found that things have only kept me wanting more things. i would go to work just to make a paycheck that I inevitably gave all back to the company that was paying me. within hours of my direct deposit hitting my account, three little digits turned into two. there i sat, worrying about how i was going to eat properly for the next two weeks.

there’s balance in buying the things that you want. especially when you work hard to obtain those things. i splurge on journals, incense, good clean food, and occasionally beauty products. therefore, you don’t see me driving a brand new car, spending money on parties & drinks, nor on repeated items that are already in my closet. these are things i can currently do without and do not serve me at the moment. 

i think people let things comfort them. how many conversations can you have to your peers about the latest kitchen gadget you’ve acquired that you’re not using? it’s weird to me.

i guess this gets to me more after visiting a city where people are daily begging for a meal from other human beings. we walk pass these people with our “things” and forget to stop and think that that could be us too. someday. some way. 

beggars. people that are helpless, helping less. we are the same as them, begging for more things while lacking contribution to our own well being and the communities around us. we’ve all got to analyze our things.

Driving & writing.

How does happiness find its way to
A boy who was already born sad?
I’ve convinced myself that the world isn’t what we think we know
And you have too
Dry your eyes
For I’m right here with you
Driving home in the late night
As the moon shines like the sunlight
I reach out to you in my mind
Encouragement never comes easy
To the boy who turned into a man
And is doing all he can
To survive loneliness while amongst man
How does he live?
Giving all that he can give to an unforgiving world
While in love with a girl
Who finds truth embedded in his curls
But heartache at the surface
It’s hard to endure love
When lacking the purpose
So the tears on her face
Are from the prayers she prays to a place
She’s not sure exists
To a form that never answered her
To a man that promised bliss
Just for you to feel a sense of peace
Oh where’s god when you need him?
How does change lead to freedom?
Free him
From the worldly things
From the things that don’t mean a thing
And only show him love…
Only show him love.