Go and find what you’re looking for.

It sucks when the person you run to when you’re hurt is also the person who has hurt you. It feels unexplainable to explain my emotions right now, but turning to words never ruined a broken mind. The thing about loving people is that you always want what’s best for them, even if it means not being with or around you. I’d rather be left alone, than to be strung along. Than to think that I have someone’s complete affection. To know that I’m not in harms way. To know that I’m good with them. One thing that people don’t express about relationships is that you can indeed be heartbroken while in one. It’s worse because this is a person you truly care about, but you hate them all at the same time. But this isn’t about hate or heartbreak at all. This is about people individually setting themselves free, so that they aren’t hurting someone in the process of sorting out their own emotions. What’s selfish, is tricking yourself into believing that you have allowed yourself the right amount of time to move on from someone. What’s selfish is bringing in someone new to deal with it. What’s selfish, is keeping a lie ongoing thinking that it doesn’t ever come to light. If you are not at a state where you can commit to something, you should not commit under any circumstance. Because then there brings in the lack of trust. And if I don’t feel trust, then I don’t feel anything anymore. Go and find exactly what you’re looking for in this world, and leave those who have it figured out alone. So here I sit, jaded in a new city. Time to move closer to myself, in the walls I’ve built a while ago because I knew better. Note that there are people who appreciate love given in an outstanding form. We just have to find them. We have to find people to love who have been loved properly, so they know how to give it back. Or to find those that understand it, even if they never had it. Those are the people who will love you endlessly, and understand what it would feel like if you broke them.

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thursday night stream of thoughts.

i could poor tears right at the start of a melody that is that good. tonight, i’m exploring apple music, letting the artist i already listen to take me to new ones. i never get the chance to do this, like i would when i was in 11th grade on christmas break. i would stay on tumblr all night placing notes on all things i had no idea about. but people’s pain always interested me. my mother use to tell me that my way of thinking is sometimes harsh, but i always wondered why people hurt and never try to do anything to fix it. then i became an adult and realized that some people are doing their very best with just waking up every morning. it’s recurring for me to mention that people are just people. and i will continue to stand by that idea. tonight, this is just a stream of my thoughts, but i hope you can always take a little something from me. know that these alone moments are gifts to gather your thoughts.

i have so much. i am full. and this time, i don’t have to do anything but enjoy it. i hope our children grow up to know that the control is never ours. i hope they know that pain and stress cause more sickness. i hope they know that it’s dope to try new things and to do what drives happiness at all times. i hope they grow up to know that opportunity is driven by change. i hope they know to enjoy the sunshine, even when they tell you it’ll be cold. i also hope that you are choosing a lover that sees the same brightness in the future as you. one that knows how good it is. one that knows we are lucky. yes, lucky. chosen. prosperous. make no mistake here, there’s no mistake. so life moves along and we follow on the path to our destiny’s. or maybe not. just know that it is happening. we can either enjoy or destroy.

this year was so different. i have to look at myself sometimes and i wonder who am i? not because i’m lost, but i find myself doing things i said i never would. i started loving in a way that i never imagined. my honesty levels are out of this world and i’ve been giving the truth like it’s judgment day. i’ve been working hard in all areas of my life and have seen wonderful return from doing so. i am becoming a really dope woman with a nice ass. haha just a little humor for you. but life is good. life is truly, good.

Winter feels

While on the phone with my sister the other night she said one thing that has been ringing in my mind for a few days. “You know how winter and the holidays always make you feel.”

She’s talking about the winter feels. The time of year when you’re either overjoyed with cheer or overwhelmed by it. This year, I am neither. But I do feel anxious. I’m looking forward to so many things that it feels unreal and out of my grasp.

As I continue to reflect on this year this month, I am also trying my best to stay in this moment and enjoy the happiness all around. I’m also trying to get back to worthiness. There was a time when I would wake up and tell myself how lucky we all are to be here. However, that’s easy to say when you’re right where you want to be. But it’s true! I am deserving of life and its gifts, and that alone should feed my soul.

Maybe it’s the cold chills rolling in, or the angst in impatient shoppers that make me experience the annoyance in the air. Maybe my hormones hit its height this time around and that’s why I remain year after year emotional during this season. Or maybe I’m just mentally tricking myself into thinking that this is how it will always feel for me. I do miss the summertime though. I miss the sun and short shorts and crop-tops with no cardigans over it.

But this is how it goes, seasons come and go. I don’t only want to make the best of it, but to also find enjoyment in the little things. These winter feels won’t last long.

December 1, 2017

I miss this quiet hour. It’s exactly 1:30 a.m. and I’m reminiscing on how I’d preach to people of the silence this time of night brings. How our minds become funnels for everything excellent when it’s this late. And it’s golden. Haven’t met this hour in a while where my eyes remain moist and wide open.Calm and thankful to be warm in my sheets. Just me and time, and not worried at all tonight. This is a beautiful state to be in. A state of reflection is always good for our souls and hearts. Scanning my mind, grateful for a new month. The last month of the year.

This year I became a better learner, lover, listener. Collectively, those three things shaped me into being an overall better me- therefore, I’m satisfied. But always healing myself, and letting life heal me back.

I like to think that new months and new seasons are opportunities to start over. Get it right this time around even. One month left in the year. Have you done all that you set out to do? And have you been good to yourself?

To the girl at cvs that called me pretty.

girls always tell me I’m pretty

and i feel… pretty shocked

haven’t done a lot

highlighted my features to be presentable

stopped covering up a while ago…

for other people.

Why can’t I take your kind words

as herds that lead to an understanding of beauty?

I always feel like they should be use to me

Small town, I’m sure you’ve seen me around

And it’s easy to hold the crown

When there’s no one to compare you to.

I’ve always been more fond of those who represent love, and I can feel it without knowing them

yet there’s another someone again

not knowing who I am or if I’m capable of killing a man

I am always credited to pretty

but that was never the plan

Don’t remember when I became this queen

That I find strangers worshipping 

Probably when I stopped caring about the nothings.

When you say that I’m pretty 

My heart screams ‘you’re pretty too’

but my mouth won’t utter

to take away your shine

Of offering your kind words to me this time

that you allowed yourself to release

embodying every inch of needed peace

Women soluting  other women

Could you imagine?

I yearn for that trust

For the goal to make other women

Feel good enough.
I have learned to say thank you

With a smile

Because I know that acknowledging another woman’s beauty

Takes a while.

Happiness

I spend a lot of time searching for it, so I know that everyone else is trying to do the same- and that’s the part that makes me sad. I can’t help but to blame the internet, or the ‘go’ that coffee gives, or anything that seems to move faster than humans alone do. But those things aren’t happiness. Anything temporarily providing the sensation like when cool wind blows at the peak of fall, isn’t permanent happiness. That, is only one feeling alone. Happiness encompasses all– seeing the right things, hearing sounds clearly and being aware of them, intense arrival in your heart when love is there and alive, balance moving you forward gracefully, and most importantly your mind remains with no fear.  Happiness is like pulling on your lover and having them right there for you because they know that you need them.  That gesture, that feeling of alrightness, provides a level of comfort for you to take a deep inhale and exhale right where you are, knowing that everything is meant to be exactly how it is at that very moment. And that, is enough. You are full.

On growth & moving along in life.

I don’t have any intentions for this post, I’ve just been laying in my bed scrolling through post from my longtime favorite bloggers and began to notice a theme. At now 23, I still loathe in the ideas from the same blogs I read when I was in the eleventh grade. I admired many women who grew up in the tri-state area, their crazy nights in the city, their passion for love and their lovers. They all seemed so vibrant and anew. Now when I read their writing and where they are in life, it saddens me to see that they have gone through so much while searching for their identity through words and still are but now much older than me.  Many have gone in and out of relationships, homes, family members-everything they once loved to the highest tier. It’s something about tracking your life in these blog spaces. It gives you the chance to reflect back and see how much you’ve progressed or how much you’ve digressed. And that thought brought me right to my own center. Everything I’ve ever “lost” is simply because I had to lose it. Every tough moment developed me into a very hard working woman, and sometimes I find myself never wanting to stop working. Working on myself. Working on a goal. Working on relationships. The growth that we experience comes from our ability to take our losses as things that have to occur to reach our ultimate being.  But there’s also growth of the mind. Doing what you have to do for yourself, while not worrying about the opinions from anyone else. Allowing yourself to not let negative thoughts overpower the positive ones. Listening more and really understanding what’s going on around you.
Now, everything is aligning and my goals are making so much sense. It’s kind of exciting to see that the woman I thought I always wanted to be, I’m completely opposite from that and it’s worked out just fine. Adversity will always be, but raising yourself to a higher level moves you farther away from it.