August Rant.

it’s fucked up watching people need all of these things. stop what you are doing right now and assess your belongings. ask yourself, “how many times do i use this throughout my daily routines?”

if you aren’t regularly needing it, let’s all take a break so that you can rid of it. i’ve always found that things have only kept me wanting more things. i would go to work just to make a paycheck that I inevitably gave all back to the company that was paying me. within hours of my direct deposit hitting my account, three little digits turned into two. there i sat, worrying about how i was going to eat properly for the next two weeks.

there’s balance in buying the things that you want. especially when you work hard to obtain those things. i splurge on journals, incense, good clean food, and occasionally beauty products. therefore, you don’t see me driving a brand new car, spending money on parties & drinks, nor on repeated items that are already in my closet. these are things i can currently do without and do not serve me at the moment. 

i think people let things comfort them. how many conversations can you have to your peers about the latest kitchen gadget you’ve acquired that you’re not using? it’s weird to me.

i guess this gets to me more after visiting a city where people are daily begging for a meal from other human beings. we walk pass these people with our “things” and forget to stop and think that that could be us too. someday. some way. 

beggars. people that are helpless, helping less. we are the same as them, begging for more things while lacking contribution to our own well being and the communities around us. we’ve all got to analyze our things.

Driving & writing.

How does happiness find its way to
A boy who was already born sad?
I’ve convinced myself that the world isn’t what we think we know
And you have too
Dry your eyes
For I’m right here with you
Driving home in the late night
As the moon shines like the sunlight
I reach out to you in my mind
Encouragement never comes easy
To the boy who turned into a man
And is doing all he can
To survive loneliness while amongst man
How does he live?
Giving all that he can give to an unforgiving world
While in love with a girl
Who finds truth embedded in his curls
But heartache at the surface
It’s hard to endure love
When lacking the purpose
So the tears on her face
Are from the prayers she prays to a place
She’s not sure exists
To a form that never answered her
To a man that promised bliss
Just for you to feel a sense of peace
Oh where’s god when you need him?
How does change lead to freedom?
Free him
From the worldly things
From the things that don’t mean a thing
And only show him love…
Only show him love.

12:33 a.m.

sometimes I can be a magnet for people who need saving. i’ve known this for some time now. i’ve also known that a part of the reason why i exist is to heal people, even though that responsibility is heavy. i’ve been through some shitty things, but i know how to handle the same shitty things on my own. i know where you can find a genuine smile on a bad day. i’m the one who turns lemons into lemonade and there are people who love turning up the pitcher just to try and find the secret. what makes me laugh is knowing it’s no secret to me. we all have the power. but we also all need each other. sometimes i want to back away from people who have come to drain me of my energy, but i know that there’s no control over wanting to give. i wish there were more people for me to run to. people that could add to me. but then i realize that confiding in people won’t solve my problems, and it won’t solve yours either. people aren’t ours to save, but we can lend support. we can offer love. we can initiate ideas that might get us to happiness. but there’s no fixing one another. we are only the change that we choose to be.

Peace.

I rush through my days like I’m racing with time or life and I watch others around me do the same. Recently, I started waking up in the mornings, green tea & my journal in hand and my bathrobe draped over my body. In my comfort, I write down all of the things I am grateful for. I’ve been searching for appreciation for the things that I do have, while reflecting on the things that I want. Obtainable wealth. Continued honest love. A fulfilling job. Adventure. More time. These are just a few things that I foresee, things that I am willing to work for.

Gratefulness helps me to not gain obsession over the future. I like the ten minutes in the morning with the things that already add so well to my life. It’s easy to forget that I have a place to sleep at night, I have choices in the clothing I wear each day, and most importantly I have peace.

It took me a while to get here. I remember dreading going to sleep at night due to 2 a.m. thoughts stuffing me into an intense submerged place. I would know what I want and concentrate on how to get it instead of believing that I don’t know how but anything is obtainable. Even simply wanting to have a good day.

I owe my good days to my acknowledgement of how lucky we are to be here. I know sometimes the things that go on in the world can offset worthiness. Although moved, these things don’t blur my vision to be a part of the better world. I am at peace in my heart with knowing that the universe is looking out for me. I have peace in knowing love and having it from very abundant places. I am happy that peace has found me.

Wholeheartedly.

Mindfulness

I think it’s important to remember mindfulness. Actually, I know it is. I know that if I’m not mindful my mind will wander into places I don’t want to go. I know that my actions affect everything else around me. I know that it’s important to remember to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. And repeat. I know all of these things.

What I don’t know, is how to get the people around me to know mindfulness as well. I watch people do the same routine everyday without a goal. So, they’ll being that for the next twenty years. It saddens me. I watch people be together physically, but mentally their minds are engaged with applications and text messages. I watch people stand in front of beautiful scenery, while never capturing it with their minds. They walk away from those unforgettable moments not even remembering being there.

Then, I watch people burst out into anger, not realizing that they could be triggering someone’s anxiety; their need to escape to quietness. I watch people talk of more bad than good, not registering that you receive what you put out, that negative attracts negative, and that I don’t want that shit.

You have to be careful with your walk. Know your steps and how you’re moving. Today, try being mindful that every moment is precious. Don’t go wasting it on anger, not living in the moment, and going through the motions. Remember, what is not growing…is dead.

Taking people for granted.

In a world that influences selfishness, more than selflessness; it is easy to take people for granted. I’ve done this, and you’ve done it too. Luckily, I found myself doing this when I was much younger, so now I’m able to recognize the importance of valuing the people that are here around me and for me. That is, being here purely without expectations of receiving something in return, understanding that we individually have a set amount of time that should be appreciated when shared, and realizing that in seconds it could all be over.

We’re told to keep trying with people, because we are all humans with many mistakes made. Here’s where I’ve always allowed people to take me for granted. Here’s also where I’ve taken people for granted. I have never known when to stop giving. I’ve noticed a pattern of pushing limits. It’s interesting to see how long you can get away with doing the minimum before someone calls you out on your shit. And sometimes, they never call you out and you know this. But I’ve learned that I never want it that way. If it is hard to appreciate me when I’m doing so much for the people that I love, then maybe something should be eliminated from the equation?

But who are we kidding? Eliminating something from the equation doesn’t pair well with loving people. Our perception of love is a parallel idea with the term unconditional. When you decline to separate yourself from the idea of how this goes, you’ll never experience a situation where you’re valued. People will use you to try and fix things about themselves, and it has nothing to do with loving you. But there you are, pushing through and accepting things from people that you know you aren’t comfortable with because “there should be no conditions”. There you are, questioning your character over and over.

I think that people think that gratitude can only be shown through gifts or giving in to what another person wants fulfilled. The best moments to see are the ones where someone admits their lack of appreciation, and backs away because they know they won’t allow themselves to be a better person for you. I always think that if that person could just be a better person for themselves, then it would fix so much about their interactions with people long term.

Being gracious can often be as good as saying “thank you” or “I appreciate you”. However, these phrases can sometimes become robotic and rehearsed, just because it sounds good. I struggle with holding people accountable. At some point you will feel like you deserve more, or as if something is missing. That is your intuition letting you know that you’re not okay with being taken for granted. You can either push it away and accept it as routine, or you can free yourself from a situation that’s held your enthusiasm for given your all captive. Sometimes you will also find that people will try and make you sound crazy or needy; probably because the receiver is comfortable and satisfied. The relationships that we form everyday with people should always be a mutual give and take. A person that is taking you for granted is taking and taking. The logical conclusion here is to stop being the giver. Then, they’ll have nothing else to take.

As a giver, I’m aware that it’s easy to manipulate me into these kinds of situations. However, I’ve accepted my strength in giving, and I’ve chosen not to change that about myself. I notice everything that is going on around me, so I never feel like I’m being fooled. I know when I’m being treated good or when something seems unfair. I have found comfort in putting my good energy into the things that will flow good energy right back to me.

When we aren’t careful, the people we hold on to become such a huge part of us. It’s then difficult to think that they’re taking you for granted when you’ve always seen them as a reflection of who you are. If you know yourself, as a giver, then you’re aware that you could never drain someone in that way.

Sometimes, the people that love you may not be aware that they’re taking you for granted or that you feel unappreciated. You have to hold people accountable for their actions so that they’re able to do better. In the moments when they still don’t understand the issue, then maybe you should reevaluate what’s important to you and if you can compromise or not. Just remember that you’re not wrong if you decide that a friendship or relationship doesn’t work for you anymore.

Remember to say I love you, I appreciate you, and I’m grateful for you to those that would stand shoulder to shoulder with you on your best and worst days.

My talents are mine, and yours are yours.

Maybe you think I’ve taken my talents for granted- singing, writing, making people laugh, connecting with people. But one thing should always be made clear to yourself, and that is your talents are yours. I always felt a need to perfect my talents so that it would appeal to what other people wanted from me. Am I singing too loud? Do I sound like they want me to? Like, their favorite artist? Am I writing things that people want to read? Should I share this or that? Am I making them laugh? The looming questions of what other people want, is a recipe for never figuring out what you really want and need.

I use to limit myself to one talent. Singing was my passion from the time I was able to vocalize and imitate sounds from my moms stereo that played Tina Turner “What’s love got to do with it?” over and over. I remember standing in the middle of the living room singing with her when Alicia Key’s album Diary came out. We slow danced together for what felt like an eternity of melodies. She looked down at me and said, “Wow your voice is amazing! Sing more!” I belted from my belly, words that I couldn’t understand; but I felt them. In that moment, I experienced what being in love was like years before I would ever comprehend it.

Writing has also always been my undying passion. I always felt like there was never a space to say everything I wanted to, so I created those spaces by entering writing contest, publishing my own children’s book when I was in the fourth grade, and watching my older brother win countless awards for junior writing contest. I’ve always been really good at word-play. That is, finding various ways to fit words in sentences that they would otherwise never be in. Words are so expansive. Words can be used to manipulate and persuade, and to tell a story to fit archetypes. Words are so expansive!

Much like words, we are expansive beings. It’s like we go hand in hand with a language curated perfectly for us. As expansive beings, I’ve found that there will be many things that I might be amazing at, but it doesn’t mean that that one thing will define me in this lifetime. After hundreds of vocal lessons, music teachers that never fulfilled their dreams, choral concerts, and “good jobs”, that singing wasn’t something that I wanted to capitalize off of nor put all of my energy in. My heart wasn’t in it and I feel like that’s so important as a creative.

However, I now find myself singing every moment of the day, just as I write every moment of the day. My goal is to continue to find ways to write professionally as a career. But I also set time apart to be a writer in my own space, with words that will probably never be shared with anyone. I wish someone would have told me that I could do it all. That I could arrange what I wanted for my life in as many categories as I would like. There were many people, including my parents, who wanted me to use my voice and share it with the world professionally. I can understand now that as parents they might have known just the surface of being a performer.

I’m writing this to say to you, it’s when we look at the things that truly make us who we are, that we tend to enjoy them and have a long lasting connection with them. However, it doesn’t mean that you can’t add things or remove things that no longer work for you. In my case, singing is still very much something that I love and enjoy and just because I’m not sharing it with everyone doesn’t mean it’s not here in the world. It provides relief for me, especially after a long day when I can sit on my floor and put on instrumentals that feed my soul. Although I never see this happening, writing could someday be in the same space as singing. But I do know that in some moments in my life, it will be a reflection of me. Therefore, I work hard at it and I support myself through the process of putting all my energy into it.

I’ve always felt that people were disappointed in me because I wasn’t fulfilling the dream that they wanted me to. I’m learning to bring forward the real parts of me, while also being open to the universe giving me other talents that I might gain in the future. I’m appreciative of the time I’ve spent with music, because it has healed so many things about me. You never know what I may revisit. And in the moments when I fear that I’m running out of time, I just remind myself that there are so many more experiences that will make me, me. Remember, your talents are yours- use them how you want.