August Rant.

it’s fucked up watching people need all of these things. stop what you are doing right now and assess your belongings. ask yourself, “how many times do i use this throughout my daily routines?”

if you aren’t regularly needing it, let’s all take a break so that you can rid of it. i’ve always found that things have only kept me wanting more things. i would go to work just to make a paycheck that I inevitably gave all back to the company that was paying me. within hours of my direct deposit hitting my account, three little digits turned into two. there i sat, worrying about how i was going to eat properly for the next two weeks.

there’s balance in buying the things that you want. especially when you work hard to obtain those things. i splurge on journals, incense, good clean food, and occasionally beauty products. therefore, you don’t see me driving a brand new car, spending money on parties & drinks, nor on repeated items that are already in my closet. these are things i can currently do without and do not serve me at the moment. 

i think people let things comfort them. how many conversations can you have to your peers about the latest kitchen gadget you’ve acquired that you’re not using? it’s weird to me.

i guess this gets to me more after visiting a city where people are daily begging for a meal from other human beings. we walk pass these people with our “things” and forget to stop and think that that could be us too. someday. some way. 

beggars. people that are helpless, helping less. we are the same as them, begging for more things while lacking contribution to our own well being and the communities around us. we’ve all got to analyze our things.

my sense of self.

i know it’s hard to find yourself, wondering how we all got lost in the first place. it usually starts with that first encounter with a stranger that points out your deepest insecurity without knowing. there you find every misleading thing you have ever thought of yourself, confirmed by someone that has never met your soul. most of us don’t know who we are because other people are set on telling us for us. and we let them.

when i discovered that most people are fucked up, most people are hurting, most people are confused; I was forced to surrender to look inside of myself. i found that my uncertainty of who i was came from other people’s shame of themselves. humans are so influenced by other humans, even though we live in a world that has produced many resources for us to be inspired by. but there’s some sort of perfection that we go searching for in other people that we feel we are lacking.

it’s more important to be yourself and to know yourself. i know that i’m a woman who cries when she’s both happy and sad and that’s okay. i know that it radiates my ability to feel and feel it all so deeply. i know that i give out more no’s than yes’s because i have a choice to not do things that don’t serve me. i know that love is of the utmost value to me and is ultimately why i wake up every morning. i know the inevitability of change and my excitement of seeing it all go from bad to good; over and over.

being aware of your sense of self simply relies on you making yourself your refuge. running to you first before anyone else builds an unworldly trust with yourself that will always bring you closer to respect, a strong intuition, and an eternal best-friend.

12:33 a.m.

sometimes I can be a magnet for people who need saving. i’ve known this for some time now. i’ve also known that a part of the reason why i exist is to heal people, even though that responsibility is heavy. i’ve been through some shitty things, but i know how to handle the same shitty things on my own. i know where you can find a genuine smile on a bad day. i’m the one who turns lemons into lemonade and there are people who love turning up the pitcher just to try and find the secret. what makes me laugh is knowing it’s no secret to me. we all have the power. but we also all need each other. sometimes i want to back away from people who have come to drain me of my energy, but i know that there’s no control over wanting to give. i wish there were more people for me to run to. people that could add to me. but then i realize that confiding in people won’t solve my problems, and it won’t solve yours either. people aren’t ours to save, but we can lend support. we can offer love. we can initiate ideas that might get us to happiness. but there’s no fixing one another. we are only the change that we choose to be.

Abuse

I’ve known abuse as visible scars
grip so tight it leaves his
fingerprints on your arms
screams that children don’t understand
will forever have dreams of a man
being vicious because he can
no one ever stops him
But there’s abuse in words
that you wouldn’t believe
So baby girl, don’t be naive
There’s symbols to recognize
pay attention to the way he treats his mother
the way he loves her
will be the way that he loves you
if he calls his mother a bitch
then he’ll probably call you one too
they tell you love is hard
disguise all the guys that treat you bad
into victims
and you must save him
’cause he’s never received love
like you’re willing to give
he’s never known what it’s like to live
Save him they say
change him they say
he’ll come around one day

Self-abuse
your unwillingness to leave
believe in self-worth that pours
the kind that stimulates a room
that moves when you move
and opens glassed doors
No one will ever disrespect
nor neglect someone
who accepts
their own.

23.

I’m not like the other girls

I know that now

I know that weight fluctuates 

Depending on your health

And not because you’re getting older

I know to become bolder

About taking charge of the problem at large

I know

That as I grow, I grow more beautiful 

And I see it when I’m meditating in the mirror

Looking right at myself, I know the girl I’m staring at

And as a matter of fact, she knows me too

So you don’t have to tell me.

I know that if I’m not talking about love, then I’m not being me, then I’m not

feeling peace

I’ve got things to figure out

I know how to separate the ideas that people have of me, from the things I’m

really about

I know lies could hurt the sweetest soul

And taint a beautiful sky

I know why

Because I know just the power we have

To turn rainbows into bumpy roads

I know

I know who I love and I know who loves me

And I’m so lucky.

I know that sex 

Is the best

With the one that you love

And none of that has to do

With religion

Or the decision 

To give it to someone

You don’t have a title with.

I know that suffering is in the world, but we don’t have to suffer

I now know that hard times aren’t things we have to experience 

So in remembrance of fear

May you Rest In Peace.

I know that goals come from dreams

And those achieved goals

Become my reality

Become everything I wanted

Until I begin to want more

So I practice 

Thinking of what I have

In the moment

In gratefulness

In wholeness.

I know that life is about change

And you should never want things

To remain the same

I know that turning a new year

Makes you wonder how you’ve been here

For so long

And with many years to come

Why?

The why is what we all want to know

Creating your own ‘why’

Just for show

I know

This life

Alright, all right.