Don’t be so hard on yourself

It came to me as I lay in the middle of my bed this morning, thoughts racing on how I’m going to spend my day off. I closed my eyes and rolled over on my side coaching myself to get up and make the day count. ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself ‘. Don’t take this simple decision and find ways to worry. Go get yourself the cup of tea you want, then afterwards go to the bookstore and stay for however long you want; reading books you can’t afford. Write it all out today. Take yourself to dinner or buy really good groceries and make a fulfilling dish. Take a nap when you’re tired. Do yoga or go to the gym and they both count as excercise. Your bills are paid so there’s no worries. You are lucky to be here, so enjoy. You are doing your very best. Self-care can be as simple as providing yourself with the moments to be alone and breathe. Silence feeds me peace, but being labeled as an extrovert doesn’t really give me much room to say “I just really want peace and quiet alone and I’m not necessarily sad about anything”. Working hard can weigh on your psyche and can leave an unwanted mellow numbness. I don’t want to be numb, especially as a person with so much feeling. Many things are going on around us, but we have the control on what we expose ourselves to. Although negative thoughts may occur, I try to ask myself “is this useful?”. I then find myself heading back to the center of what is actually important. Taking the time to regroup and separate today, and if you are feeling the weight then you should too.

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List.

In the mornings I find myself making list of things I am grateful for, to do list, affirmations, list to work through ideas and conflict. On this particular morning I feel the need to write out a list for me and for you, of ways to stay in the moment and to create little happy instances throughout your day. I’ve struggled with this lately, and have felt lost on so many levels because my mind hasn’t been grounded. There’s so much going on at every moment that I have to care about to contribute to society and that weighs heavy on my mind and spirit (a lot of it is also negative).

I have become the woman who wants to save the world by giving all of my strength away, leaving nothing left for myself. But that’s not okay. There is gentleness in the quiet hours that we often don’t pay attention to. In our down time we quickly grab our phones and dive into an entirely different dimension, giving our good energy away to more negative things. If we focus on what makes us feel good, those will be the things we will run to when our vibrations need to be lifted-over and over. Pay attention to what those things are and make a list of it, then practice making those things your refuge.

1. I love starting my mornings off with tea in my favorite mug. It reminds me of quiet & peace & I feel that as I drink & gather my thoughts.

2. I am a gift giver. It makes me feel good to pay attention to what others desire and for me to randomly give that to them, especially when I know it’s something I can do and it makes two people feel good.

3. Listen more. When I am listening and not speaking I find this beautiful moment of process in my mind. I notice how much patience it takes to let someone else have the floor. I also feel closer to whoever I am having a conversation with, because they are letting me in to who
they are, word by word.

4. Open your blinds in your room and allow all sunlight to rush in. Such a mood changer.

5. Always let people you love know that you also appreciate them and what for.

6. Clean the areas around you and afterwards sit in those areas with a book or with pen and paper to take in those pure areas.- lighting incense in this moment will triple perfect it.

7. Fresh fruits are so refreshing and when you eat them you’ll feel like a bucket of clean cold water.

8. I love going to the bookstore with no intentions of buying anything. The smell of new books is incredible and I learn something new every time I go.

9. Sex! Here me out, sex isn’t a thing you do when there’s nothing to do. It takes honesty, clarity, and time. Explore your own body. Get to know yourself and what comforts you. Then, bring those things back to your partner through guidance.

10. Explore music. Where’d your favorite genre first start?

11. Make yourself look nice. Whatever that is to you. When we look good we usually feel good.

12. Outside is my thing. I now know that the sun and I have a special connection through history and I love spending time with it.

13. Sometimes I delete certain apps on my phone (Instagram and Facebook). I don’t need to constantly be reminded of my struggles and I also hate to always be reminded of others struggles as well. Being on these sites is usually never good entertainment for me. So to cut the desire of pressing on these apps every five minutes, I delete it altogether until I’ve created enough space between me and those worlds.

14. Cooking at home makes me feel like a cook and I like that. Plus I feel healthier knowing what’s exactly in my food. Plant-based lifestyles are also so important! More greens than anything people.

15. Studying spirituality even though I don’t believe in a specific thing and think religion is silly. We are our own religion in a sense. We are who we go to everyday, constantly trying to make ourselves feel better. We seek encouragement at an individual level first. I love learning about the law of attraction and how what we think, we become. Negative attracts negative. Positive attracts positive.

16. Love any and everyone you encounter without judgement. I am working on the without judgement part, there’s just some crazy things going on out here.

17. Spend time with yourself. Without your phone, without people. You have to have that quality time to figure out what’s going on inside and work through that before you rub it off on the people you really care about.

still love.

just a little message here. if you are finding yourself taking steps back from those you are constantly trying to love, because giving it feels like lumps making home on your throat; keep being you. the best self control is not allowing someone to shake your happiness and eagerness to share that with other people. the company that misery needs is one like what an infant requires from its mother. but you do not have to be the care-giver, the hand-holder, the only provider. when you love you should naturally feel that in return. and if you don’t, find areas or humans that will represent that for you. in the meantime, still love.

sharing your dreams with the right people.

too many times this year i’ve found myself wondering where to go next. all of these times i’ve known that i am ready to go, but i was never sure where. all i know is writing is my passion, i’m in my element with words. and someday i’d like to have a good paying job that allows me to write. i also want easy living, in a city where people don’t need much but the scenery around them. when i express my wants for my life to people it always feels like they think that i’m dreaming and that i should wake up now. even to the people who are also dreamers, they never take the next step to turn things into reality. so i just sit next to them and wonder when will you get tired of wanting? but these moments have a way of reflecting it back to my life as well. when will i get tired of wanting and when will i just do?

i’m here to let you know that sharing your dreams (goals) that you have set for yourself is tricky, and cannot have expectation of supportive reactions behind it. people are just people and they’re not placed on earth to provide approval. also, because we all have different paths it’s only clear that things may make sense to you, but to someone who has plans that are completely opposite may have blurred vision as to how it could happen for you. i find that people place their concerns on your dreams based on their own fear of failure (which is probably why accomplishing their own dreams are hard:because of fear). when you are sharing your dreams and goals with other people who are also goal oriented, you will experience that the universe has a way of moving things along faster through motivation. the right people will respond with encouragement and with no limits to what you could do. find the people that will feed your soul along the way, because they are out there. and don’t feel like you have to share with everyone. your world isn’t for everyone, i promise. we are all young here. there is no mistake in taking chances and making things happen.

vulnerability.

special bonds bring complications with vulnerability for me. connections with the people that i love oh so much, that if I let go of control with them i just might lose them. i know better than to do this. vulnerability is the closest thing to love itself. hard to let your guard down, and also hard to love when love never loved you back before. when we are ready to romantically love we also put ourselves in a position to be vulnerable. but being willing was always enough for me, just maybe it never displayed this clear. we have to always know that being fearful and having a guard as high as skyscrapers can never work. let’s also not waste time with people. let’s listen to what they’re telling us. let’s admit that letting someone know how you are feeling sucks. let people love you and reciprocate that love. let’s watch what gestures they take that remind you of your connection and how you found each other in the first place. even if it was lust. we think we know the deeper surface of the start and the finish. we think we are responsible for putting us in these perfect spaces, but life still continues to surprise me everyday and i’m still wondering who’s controlling all of this shit. what i’m saying is, stopping the beauty and the ups & downs of loving someone because i’m afraid will never lead me to experiencing the opportunity. it’s luck or a privilege or a blessing to surround yourself with people who are connected with you and it’s just understood. there’s no fighting that. there’s no control in that. i recommend self-care. when we are aware of how we are feeling, we won’t be prone to throwing those emotions on others. i do that a lot. i scream “i’m afraid of losing you” through silence and i know that that’s not okay. i also feel a lot so i need the people that i love to know that and understand it. just as i have to understand that my lover cares for himself differently than i do, and sometimes it doesn’t involve me. i resort to safe places like writing, exercising, taking myself out alone, catching up with old friends. i’m allowing myself to have the beautiful life i had before, and that has nothing to do with the love i have for anyone. being a two, but also remaining one is difficult but over time you find balance. being vulnerable is so beautiful! when i think about opening my heart at its core for someone i truly feel euphoric. it’s a conversation that two souls are having that don’t need words. let yourself go. and that control thing, let it go too.

-a letter for me and for you.

Expectation.

I think that we can all agree that expectation is a bitch, that falling short of knowing not to have them is the greatest interference in life. I usually expect people that are close to me to follow a certain standard, but I also know that my expectations for them is never something that they have to follow. Let’s use respect for example. Respect comes with the common good, that no matter what our individual morals are you know right from right, wrong from wrong. Therefore, we have to treat one another with a level of respect that will keep things moving. We have to try not to hurt each other.

We also have to try and not let our expectations hurt us singularly. I grew up hearing labels that were attached with outlined roles that should fulfill that label. A mother-“care provider”. A Father- “head of household”. A lover- “protector”. A family member-“blood thicker than water”. When those roles weren’t being fulfilled in the correct description, I would blame myself. I thought that maybe I was hard to love because I never really saw those roles done accurately. I now know that who people are suppose to be is just another expectation that weighs humans down. Whether you’re a mother, a father, or a lost soul, we all feel the same and deeply-so I’ve been careful with my words and the way that I judge people, and so should you.

I see the pleasantness that people expect from me everyday as well. But when I’m not at my best, I’m disappointing because I’m not giving the show that people want from me. I watch men make it uncomfortable for me to even work at my job because they think it’s okay to lust for me with their eyes and remarks. I know that they think that attractive women expect those things. Physical beauty is nice to look at sometimes, but that isn’t what makes a person.

Expectations drive unwanted feelings in every scenario you may examine where expectations are at play. I suggest paying attention to everything that goes on, but not attach yourself to those things. There’s always good that can come, but never with disrespect nor the intention to cause discomfort.

August Rant.

it’s fucked up watching people need all of these things. stop what you are doing right now and assess your belongings. ask yourself, “how many times do i use this throughout my daily routines?”

if you aren’t regularly needing it, let’s all take a break so that you can rid of it. i’ve always found that things have only kept me wanting more things. i would go to work just to make a paycheck that I inevitably gave all back to the company that was paying me. within hours of my direct deposit hitting my account, three little digits turned into two. there i sat, worrying about how i was going to eat properly for the next two weeks.

there’s balance in buying the things that you want. especially when you work hard to obtain those things. i splurge on journals, incense, good clean food, and occasionally beauty products. therefore, you don’t see me driving a brand new car, spending money on parties & drinks, nor on repeated items that are already in my closet. these are things i can currently do without and do not serve me at the moment. 

i think people let things comfort them. how many conversations can you have to your peers about the latest kitchen gadget you’ve acquired that you’re not using? it’s weird to me.

i guess this gets to me more after visiting a city where people are daily begging for a meal from other human beings. we walk pass these people with our “things” and forget to stop and think that that could be us too. someday. some way. 

beggars. people that are helpless, helping less. we are the same as them, begging for more things while lacking contribution to our own well being and the communities around us. we’ve all got to analyze our things.