Morning realization.

There are five freckles that 

Align your back

You have no choice but to love me back

I know you better than the kids from

Third grade

They saw you weird and shameless

Their minds were clear

Before teenage hormones caused health

To decline, unwinding into miserable 

beings

Realizing no one knows what it all means

But gravity and matter or whatever it is

Places people in perfect spaces 

To see inside of other people

And we should be thankful for that

We should be kneeling on our knees

Meditate on all the ways this could be 

fucked up

But it’s still so beautiful

Don’t ever lend my love 

Don’t ever give this up.

Taking people for granted.

In a world that influences selfishness, more than selflessness; it is easy to take people for granted. I’ve done this, and you’ve done it too. Luckily, I found myself doing this when I was much younger, so now I’m able to recognize the importance of valuing the people that are here around me and for me. That is, being here purely without expectations of receiving something in return, understanding that we individually have a set amount of time that should be appreciated when shared, and realizing that in seconds it could all be over.

We’re told to keep trying with people, because we are all humans with many mistakes made. Here’s where I’ve always allowed people to take me for granted. Here’s also where I’ve taken people for granted. I have never known when to stop giving. I’ve noticed a pattern of pushing limits. It’s interesting to see how long you can get away with doing the minimum before someone calls you out on your shit. And sometimes, they never call you out and you know this. But I’ve learned that I never want it that way. If it is hard to appreciate me when I’m doing so much for the people that I love, then maybe something should be eliminated from the equation?

But who are we kidding? Eliminating something from the equation doesn’t pair well with loving people. Our perception of love is a parallel idea with the term unconditional. When you decline to separate yourself from the idea of how this goes, you’ll never experience a situation where you’re valued. People will use you to try and fix things about themselves, and it has nothing to do with loving you. But there you are, pushing through and accepting things from people that you know you aren’t comfortable with because “there should be no conditions”. There you are, questioning your character over and over.

I think that people think that gratitude can only be shown through gifts or giving in to what another person wants fulfilled. The best moments to see are the ones where someone admits their lack of appreciation, and backs away because they know they won’t allow themselves to be a better person for you. I always think that if that person could just be a better person for themselves, then it would fix so much about their interactions with people long term.

Being gracious can often be as good as saying “thank you” or “I appreciate you”. However, these phrases can sometimes become robotic and rehearsed, just because it sounds good. I struggle with holding people accountable. At some point you will feel like you deserve more, or as if something is missing. That is your intuition letting you know that you’re not okay with being taken for granted. You can either push it away and accept it as routine, or you can free yourself from a situation that’s held your enthusiasm for given your all captive. Sometimes you will also find that people will try and make you sound crazy or needy; probably because the receiver is comfortable and satisfied. The relationships that we form everyday with people should always be a mutual give and take. A person that is taking you for granted is taking and taking. The logical conclusion here is to stop being the giver. Then, they’ll have nothing else to take.

As a giver, I’m aware that it’s easy to manipulate me into these kinds of situations. However, I’ve accepted my strength in giving, and I’ve chosen not to change that about myself. I notice everything that is going on around me, so I never feel like I’m being fooled. I know when I’m being treated good or when something seems unfair. I have found comfort in putting my good energy into the things that will flow good energy right back to me.

When we aren’t careful, the people we hold on to become such a huge part of us. It’s then difficult to think that they’re taking you for granted when you’ve always seen them as a reflection of who you are. If you know yourself, as a giver, then you’re aware that you could never drain someone in that way.

Sometimes, the people that love you may not be aware that they’re taking you for granted or that you feel unappreciated. You have to hold people accountable for their actions so that they’re able to do better. In the moments when they still don’t understand the issue, then maybe you should reevaluate what’s important to you and if you can compromise or not. Just remember that you’re not wrong if you decide that a friendship or relationship doesn’t work for you anymore.

Remember to say I love you, I appreciate you, and I’m grateful for you to those that would stand shoulder to shoulder with you on your best and worst days.

The power of love

The worst lie told is one that says the greatest love comes from the love you receive from ones that are blood related to you. When this is said, I wonder which family member is loving that person and how truthful over the years they’ve been to them. I also wonder what love means to them, because over the years I’ve felt that love means different things based on the people that I’ve loved and the people that I thought I loved. However, despite the convincing that love has an unconditional and conditional side, I’ve truly found love to be never a matter of conditions at all.

We go through life trying to figure out what love really is, because it doesn’t come in one physical form. It just is, and you know when it’s present by the racing of our hearts, by our actions, and by our thoughts. A few years ago, my mom told me that she loved someone. In that moment, I felt like the love that me and my siblings were giving to her was no longer enough; as if love had a limit. She responded to my cry with the statement, “It’s just a different kind of love.”

I began questioning whether there were different kinds of love and what category did I put everyone in my life at the time. What’s funny to me is as I look back there were people in my life that “I loved” but nothing like I love now. I use to love in a way that had many conditions, and if they weren’t followed I didn’t want to love anymore. I also loved the idea of what love is suppose to be. That is, any romantic comedy or novel you’ve ever encountered. My mom loved this way too, so I have always thought that it was the right way and that it would work out eventually just like in the movies.

The power of love showed me how to love myself better so that I could be a better lover now. I truly feel whether in friendships or relationships with lovers or family members, loving yourself helps you to accept the good and give the good right back. I’ve also found the ones that I love to be a reflection of me. I take a good look at those around me and think about whether they’re feeding my soul just as much as I strive to nourish them. Note that you will treat people the way that you’ve been treated, because that’s the only way you know. It takes stepping outside of yourself to do better. This is an action that should take place at every point in your life to experience growth in the way that you love.

What my mother probably meant to say to me that day is romantic love comes with a different feeling than when you love your family. Although you love your family and you’ve spent most of your time with them than anyone (if you’re about my age), the opportunity to make a connection with a being outside of yourself is an incredible experience. It’s powerful and it’s beautiful. I didn’t know that then, that now, I’d feel the same power inside of me from romantic love. Questioning her on why she loved and who she loved is something I now get from my peers and it hurts. Because some things can’t be explained in the way that people want you to, and romantic love isn’t movies and endings with kisses that last until the credits roll. But people expect that from me, and I can’t give it to them.

What I can give, is reassurance that love is universal. It’s in our hearts so when someone isn’t loving you correctly there’s no excuse. I know that some people choose to love through control by trying to take the power away from love, but love’s power can’t be reached or we wouldn’t be constantly trying to understand it better. But now I’ve learned… if it’s coming from a place of peace love in all forms, is unquestionable.

Sex shame

With this past weekend being the football homecoming for my college, there’s been a lot of sex, alcohol, parties, the whole bit involved. It really opened my eyes to both sides of this spectrum.

One side says: have a good time, enjoy your twenties, don’t settle down  too early.

The other side says: watch your body count, or no sex at all, find that Prince Charming, stay at home, dress like a nun. Wait, wait, wait.

Although I feel like at times I choose to live my life conservatively, I am not at all for judging others for doing what they want to do with their own life and bodies.

I had a friend to tell me that I was unhappy because I wasn’t in a committed relationship and the things that I choose to partake in should be with my “boyfriend”. I thoroughly explained to her that I am the happiest that I’ve been in a year and that I’m having a blast right now. I am able to wake up with a clear mind and all I have to think about is myself. It feels great that I’m not spending extra money on someone that did not deserve it like I had done in the past year. I like being able to choose and  I like to take my time to figure what it is that I want and I feel amazingly happy doing it. This is not to say that I don’t want to settle down with someone as well, but I know there’s a reason for every little moment and in this moment I want to be grateful for it and live in it.

I do despise how there’s never an in between. I also hate the double standard on this issue. Women are always always always told to be perfect little flowers and I’m honestly sick of it. Especially when often times men and women share more likes than differences. I minor in Sociology and lately I have been blessed to study that all of these thoughts that people have about others sexuality is all socially constructed. Instead of evolving into a new era, people are so fixated on being content with judgement.

I honestly wanted to write this blog to possibly reassure someone out there in the Internet world. I’m a 21 year old and I’m in my fourth year in college. I love God with all of my heart and I know he loves me and I don’t doubt it. I don’t feel like I’m letting him down by living my life in any way. I party, I enjoy being sexy and confident, and I am a spontaneous young woman. I put good things into my body to live a long and healthy life, and I work out often. I treat people really well and I have a lot of people that often thank me for it. I no longer carry shame for sex and I know there’s someone reading this that’s incredibly shocked or disappointed. I will not accept judgement at all. It’s not allowed over here. I’m learning so much about myself and my body through an endless exploration to fully know myself.

My advice:

Don’t let society (wow, such a broad term to me) or even your friends right next to you place sexual shame on you inevitably because you’re a woman. Don’t let words like slut, whore, or even the concept of “that hoe over there” scare you from what you want. However, do thoroughly decide what it is that you want for your life. You are the only one that will be with you for ever so you don’t want to disappoint yourself. You also have the right to change your mind. You’re not going to not find your “Prince Charming” (my mom always says this term haha) because you’re doing the same things that he probably is doing as well. Take every little moment in. Some moments you might hate but there’ll be a lot you’ll love. And that’s not sexually, that’s just to say that even trying a new food is a worthy option. You don’t have to mold yourself into this one person or category.

Get to know yourself.