Abuse

I’ve known abuse as visible scars
grip so tight it leaves his
fingerprints on your arms
screams that children don’t understand
will forever have dreams of a man
being vicious because he can
no one ever stops him
But there’s abuse in words
that you wouldn’t believe
So baby girl, don’t be naive
There’s symbols to recognize
pay attention to the way he treats his mother
the way he loves her
will be the way that he loves you
if he calls his mother a bitch
then he’ll probably call you one too
they tell you love is hard
disguise all the guys that treat you bad
into victims
and you must save him
’cause he’s never received love
like you’re willing to give
he’s never known what it’s like to live
Save him they say
change him they say
he’ll come around one day

Self-abuse
your unwillingness to leave
believe in self-worth that pours
the kind that stimulates a room
that moves when you move
and opens glassed doors
No one will ever disrespect
nor neglect someone
who accepts
their own.

Peace.

I rush through my days like I’m racing with time or life and I watch others around me do the same. Recently, I started waking up in the mornings, green tea & my journal in hand and my bathrobe draped over my body. In my comfort, I write down all of the things I am grateful for. I’ve been searching for appreciation for the things that I do have, while reflecting on the things that I want. Obtainable wealth. Continued honest love. A fulfilling job. Adventure. More time. These are just a few things that I foresee, things that I am willing to work for.

Gratefulness helps me to not gain obsession over the future. I like the ten minutes in the morning with the things that already add so well to my life. It’s easy to forget that I have a place to sleep at night, I have choices in the clothing I wear each day, and most importantly I have peace.

It took me a while to get here. I remember dreading going to sleep at night due to 2 a.m. thoughts stuffing me into an intense submerged place. I would know what I want and concentrate on how to get it instead of believing that I don’t know how but anything is obtainable. Even simply wanting to have a good day.

I owe my good days to my acknowledgement of how lucky we are to be here. I know sometimes the things that go on in the world can offset worthiness. Although moved, these things don’t blur my vision to be a part of the better world. I am at peace in my heart with knowing that the universe is looking out for me. I have peace in knowing love and having it from very abundant places. I am happy that peace has found me.

Wholeheartedly.

Resistance.

What are you going to do
now that you’re in love?
you have to be careful
you have to be on the fence
in case he doesn’t love you too
what are you going to do?
if he can’t feel the same
resist
resist
resist!
cause a scene
then, play the blame game
say that you weren’t ready
he’ll understand in six months
when he rolls over one morning
yawning…
horny…
and realizing that he’s not missing you anymore.

You’ve never seen love so beautiful
right in front of you
falling and trying not to
why won’t you let go?
You know,
it’s okay to forget about
what happened last year
what happened the year before
what happened to your mother and father
from the beginning
25 years ago

He looks over his shoulders
right into your eyes
kisses you on your forehead
in the afternoon
like it’s the middle of the night
and you love that shit

You better not resist
persist on making it uneasy
when the love is so pleasing

You better not resist.

July 6, 2017

if ever you wondered
i got drunk without you
i got drunk
i got mad
and woke up missing you
that is
if ever you wondered…

whenever i’m under the influence
it never feels the same
not like it does with you
not true
not honest
not because i’m reminiscing on
getting high with you
then wanting it
then wanting you
yeah, those kind of highs aren’t true…

i don’t think they ever remember you telling them
you love them, and you meaning it
i don’t think they ever remember you
forgiving and forgiving and forgiving
more forgiving
because you’ll want them to forgive you too
you don’t remember me giving time
that i didn’t have
you first, me last
i don’t think they remember you
fucking their brains out
on the floor
always wanting more…

i never answered the others messages
the ones that read
‘wish you could’ve been with me’
i know better
replacing emptiness with savageness
i’m far from there
my mind knows better
and my heart does too…

i am chasing a drifting boat
one without an anchor
one without hope…

23.

I’m not like the other girls

I know that now

I know that weight fluctuates 

Depending on your health

And not because you’re getting older

I know to become bolder

About taking charge of the problem at large

I know

That as I grow, I grow more beautiful 

And I see it when I’m meditating in the mirror

Looking right at myself, I know the girl I’m staring at

And as a matter of fact, she knows me too

So you don’t have to tell me.

I know that if I’m not talking about love, then I’m not being me, then I’m not

feeling peace

I’ve got things to figure out

I know how to separate the ideas that people have of me, from the things I’m

really about

I know lies could hurt the sweetest soul

And taint a beautiful sky

I know why

Because I know just the power we have

To turn rainbows into bumpy roads

I know

I know who I love and I know who loves me

And I’m so lucky.

I know that sex 

Is the best

With the one that you love

And none of that has to do

With religion

Or the decision 

To give it to someone

You don’t have a title with.

I know that suffering is in the world, but we don’t have to suffer

I now know that hard times aren’t things we have to experience 

So in remembrance of fear

May you Rest In Peace.

I know that goals come from dreams

And those achieved goals

Become my reality

Become everything I wanted

Until I begin to want more

So I practice 

Thinking of what I have

In the moment

In gratefulness

In wholeness.

I know that life is about change

And you should never want things

To remain the same

I know that turning a new year

Makes you wonder how you’ve been here

For so long

And with many years to come

Why?

The why is what we all want to know

Creating your own ‘why’

Just for show

I know

This life

Alright, all right.

No fear

no fear
there’s no fear left here
i am tired but i am happy
i am growing
knowing of a lot
but I know nothing.

I’m convinced that the happier you are
the happier everyone you love will be
I’m convinced that there’s power
in our souls
to move the world with the matter
we are created with
inside of us.

What a relief
to live with no fear
’cause everything you have
ever asked the skies for
has accumulated
in your atmosphere.

What a relief
to be a woman
that knows
but knows nothing
but can separate the differences
between
expectation,
obsession,
and focus on
blessings
lessons
and forget about the unknown.

What a relief
to have love
in my hands
What a dance
it has been!
without seeking
without fearing
without pushing it away.

No fear
I stopped fearing here
I stopped giving in
I stopped feeling
unnecessary pain.

No shame
no more
playing the blame game
for not having it all
because of being
too scared to fall.

No fear
I’m glad you’re no longer
here.