too many times this year i’ve found myself wondering where to go next. all of these times i’ve known that i am ready to go, but i was never sure where. all i know is writing is my passion, i’m in my element with words. and someday i’d like to have a good paying job that allows me to write. i also want easy living, in a city where people don’t need much but the scenery around them. when i express my wants for my life to people it always feels like they think that i’m dreaming and that i should wake up now. even to the people who are also dreamers, they never take the next step to turn things into reality. so i just sit next to them and wonder when will you get tired of wanting? but these moments have a way of reflecting it back to my life as well. when will i get tired of wanting and when will i just do?
i’m here to let you know that sharing your dreams (goals) that you have set for yourself is tricky, and cannot have expectation of supportive reactions behind it. people are just people and they’re not placed on earth to provide approval. also, because we all have different paths it’s only clear that things may make sense to you, but to someone who has plans that are completely opposite may have blurred vision as to how it could happen for you. i find that people place their concerns on your dreams based on their own fear of failure (which is probably why accomplishing their own dreams are hard:because of fear). when you are sharing your dreams and goals with other people who are also goal oriented, you will experience that the universe has a way of moving things along faster through motivation. the right people will respond with encouragement and with no limits to what you could do. find the people that will feed your soul along the way, because they are out there. and don’t feel like you have to share with everyone. your world isn’t for everyone, i promise. we are all young here. there is no mistake in taking chances and making things happen.
special bonds bring complications with vulnerability for me. connections with the people that i love oh so much, that if I let go of control with them i just might lose them. i know better than to do this. vulnerability is the closest thing to love itself. hard to let your guard down, and also hard to love when love never loved you back before. when we are ready to romantically love we also put ourselves in a position to be vulnerable. but being willing was always enough for me, just maybe it never displayed this clear. we have to always know that being fearful and having a guard as high as skyscrapers can never work. let’s also not waste time with people. let’s listen to what they’re telling us. let’s admit that letting someone know how you are feeling sucks. let people love you and reciprocate that love. let’s watch what gestures they take that remind you of your connection and how you found each other in the first place. even if it was lust. we think we know the deeper surface of the start and the finish. we think we are responsible for putting us in these perfect spaces, but life still continues to surprise me everyday and i’m still wondering who’s controlling all of this shit. what i’m saying is, stopping the beauty and the ups & downs of loving someone because i’m afraid will never lead me to experiencing the opportunity. it’s luck or a privilege or a blessing to surround yourself with people who are connected with you and it’s just understood. there’s no fighting that. there’s no control in that. i recommend self-care. when we are aware of how we are feeling, we won’t be prone to throwing those emotions on others. i do that a lot. i scream “i’m afraid of losing you” through silence and i know that that’s not okay. i also feel a lot so i need the people that i love to know that and understand it. just as i have to understand that my lover cares for himself differently than i do, and sometimes it doesn’t involve me. i resort to safe places like writing, exercising, taking myself out alone, catching up with old friends. i’m allowing myself to have the beautiful life i had before, and that has nothing to do with the love i have for anyone. being a two, but also remaining one is difficult but over time you find balance. being vulnerable is so beautiful! when i think about opening my heart at its core for someone i truly feel euphoric. it’s a conversation that two souls are having that don’t need words. let yourself go. and that control thing, let it go too.
-a letter for me and for you.
What all the world is seeking
Is a hall pass to hate
Their history still reflecting on our skin
Our sins that were already placed on our
Their men make it harder for ours and then
blame it on God.
Afraid of the blue lights
That are warranted here
To protect and to fight
Why does driving pass them
Not feel right?
Why do minds curate plans
To make sure it’ll be alright
Why don’t we feel rescued?
How could you have fantasies
Of edging your hands against my curves
While never considering
How I got here first?
By the same type of man
That you don’t want to have command
So you break down the walls of him feeling
like a man
Doing all he can to provide for his family
Where’s the apathy?
I think that we can all agree that expectation is a bitch, that falling short of knowing not to have them is the greatest interference in life. I usually expect people that are close to me to follow a certain standard, but I also know that my expectations for them is never something that they have to follow. Let’s use respect for example. Respect comes with the common good, that no matter what our individual morals are you know right from right, wrong from wrong. Therefore, we have to treat one another with a level of respect that will keep things moving. We have to try not to hurt each other.
We also have to try and not let our expectations hurt us singularly. I grew up hearing labels that were attached with outlined roles that should fulfill that label. A mother-“care provider”. A Father- “head of household”. A lover- “protector”. A family member-“blood thicker than water”. When those roles weren’t being fulfilled in the correct description, I would blame myself. I thought that maybe I was hard to love because I never really saw those roles done accurately. I now know that who people are suppose to be is just another expectation that weighs humans down. Whether you’re a mother, a father, or a lost soul, we all feel the same and deeply-so I’ve been careful with my words and the way that I judge people, and so should you.
I see the pleasantness that people expect from me everyday as well. But when I’m not at my best, I’m disappointing because I’m not giving the show that people want from me. I watch men make it uncomfortable for me to even work at my job because they think it’s okay to lust for me with their eyes and remarks. I know that they think that attractive women expect those things. Physical beauty is nice to look at sometimes, but that isn’t what makes a person.
Expectations drive unwanted feelings in every scenario you may examine where expectations are at play. I suggest paying attention to everything that goes on, but not attach yourself to those things. There’s always good that can come, but never with disrespect nor the intention to cause discomfort.
There are five freckles that
Align your back
You have no choice but to love me back
I know you better than the kids from
They saw you weird and shameless
Their minds were clear
Before teenage hormones caused health
To decline, unwinding into miserable
Realizing no one knows what it all means
But gravity and matter or whatever it is
Places people in perfect spaces
To see inside of other people
And we should be thankful for that
We should be kneeling on our knees
Meditate on all the ways this could be
But it’s still so beautiful
Don’t ever lend my love
Don’t ever give this up.
it’s fucked up watching people need all of these things. stop what you are doing right now and assess your belongings. ask yourself, “how many times do i use this throughout my daily routines?”
if you aren’t regularly needing it, let’s all take a break so that you can rid of it. i’ve always found that things have only kept me wanting more things. i would go to work just to make a paycheck that I inevitably gave all back to the company that was paying me. within hours of my direct deposit hitting my account, three little digits turned into two. there i sat, worrying about how i was going to eat properly for the next two weeks.
there’s balance in buying the things that you want. especially when you work hard to obtain those things. i splurge on journals, incense, good clean food, and occasionally beauty products. therefore, you don’t see me driving a brand new car, spending money on parties & drinks, nor on repeated items that are already in my closet. these are things i can currently do without and do not serve me at the moment.
i think people let things comfort them. how many conversations can you have to your peers about the latest kitchen gadget you’ve acquired that you’re not using? it’s weird to me.
i guess this gets to me more after visiting a city where people are daily begging for a meal from other human beings. we walk pass these people with our “things” and forget to stop and think that that could be us too. someday. some way.
beggars. people that are helpless, helping less. we are the same as them, begging for more things while lacking contribution to our own well being and the communities around us. we’ve all got to analyze our things.
How does happiness find its way to
A boy who was already born sad?
I’ve convinced myself that the world isn’t what we think we know
And you have too
Dry your eyes
For I’m right here with you
Driving home in the late night
As the moon shines like the sunlight
I reach out to you in my mind
Encouragement never comes easy
To the boy who turned into a man
And is doing all he can
To survive loneliness while amongst man
How does he live?
Giving all that he can give to an unforgiving world
While in love with a girl
Who finds truth embedded in his curls
But heartache at the surface
It’s hard to endure love
When lacking the purpose
So the tears on her face
Are from the prayers she prays to a place
She’s not sure exists
To a form that never answered her
To a man that promised bliss
Just for you to feel a sense of peace
Oh where’s god when you need him?
How does change lead to freedom?
From the worldly things
From the things that don’t mean a thing
And only show him love…
Only show him love.