It came to me as I lay in the middle of my bed this morning, thoughts racing on how I’m going to spend my day off. I closed my eyes and rolled over on my side coaching myself to get up and make the day count. ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself ‘. Don’t take this simple decision and find ways to worry. Go get yourself the cup of tea you want, then afterwards go to the bookstore and stay for however long you want; reading books you can’t afford. Write it all out today. Take yourself to dinner or buy really good groceries and make a fulfilling dish. Take a nap when you’re tired. Do yoga or go to the gym and they both count as excercise. Your bills are paid so there’s no worries. You are lucky to be here, so enjoy. You are doing your very best. Self-care can be as simple as providing yourself with the moments to be alone and breathe. Silence feeds me peace, but being labeled as an extrovert doesn’t really give me much room to say “I just really want peace and quiet alone and I’m not necessarily sad about anything”. Working hard can weigh on your psyche and can leave an unwanted mellow numbness. I don’t want to be numb, especially as a person with so much feeling. Many things are going on around us, but we have the control on what we expose ourselves to. Although negative thoughts may occur, I try to ask myself “is this useful?”. I then find myself heading back to the center of what is actually important. Taking the time to regroup and separate today, and if you are feeling the weight then you should too.
I don’t have any intentions for this post, I’ve just been laying in my bed scrolling through post from my longtime favorite bloggers and began to notice a theme. At now 23, I still loathe in the ideas from the same blogs I read when I was in the eleventh grade. I admired many women who grew up in the tri-state area, their crazy nights in the city, their passion for love and their lovers. They all seemed so vibrant and anew. Now when I read their writing and where they are in life, it saddens me to see that they have gone through so much while searching for their identity through words and still are but now much older than me. Many have gone in and out of relationships, homes, family members-everything they once loved to the highest tier. It’s something about tracking your life in these blog spaces. It gives you the chance to reflect back and see how much you’ve progressed or how much you’ve digressed. And that thought brought me right to my own center. Everything I’ve ever “lost” is simply because I had to lose it. Every tough moment developed me into a very hard working woman, and sometimes I find myself never wanting to stop working. Working on myself. Working on a goal. Working on relationships. The growth that we experience comes from our ability to take our losses as things that have to occur to reach our ultimate being. But there’s also growth of the mind. Doing what you have to do for yourself, while not worrying about the opinions from anyone else. Allowing yourself to not let negative thoughts overpower the positive ones. Listening more and really understanding what’s going on around you.
Now, everything is aligning and my goals are making so much sense. It’s kind of exciting to see that the woman I thought I always wanted to be, I’m completely opposite from that and it’s worked out just fine. Adversity will always be, but raising yourself to a higher level moves you farther away from it.
too many times this year i’ve found myself wondering where to go next. all of these times i’ve known that i am ready to go, but i was never sure where. all i know is writing is my passion, i’m in my element with words. and someday i’d like to have a good paying job that allows me to write. i also want easy living, in a city where people don’t need much but the scenery around them. when i express my wants for my life to people it always feels like they think that i’m dreaming and that i should wake up now. even to the people who are also dreamers, they never take the next step to turn things into reality. so i just sit next to them and wonder when will you get tired of wanting? but these moments have a way of reflecting it back to my life as well. when will i get tired of wanting and when will i just do?
i’m here to let you know that sharing your dreams (goals) that you have set for yourself is tricky, and cannot have expectation of supportive reactions behind it. people are just people and they’re not placed on earth to provide approval. also, because we all have different paths it’s only clear that things may make sense to you, but to someone who has plans that are completely opposite may have blurred vision as to how it could happen for you. i find that people place their concerns on your dreams based on their own fear of failure (which is probably why accomplishing their own dreams are hard:because of fear). when you are sharing your dreams and goals with other people who are also goal oriented, you will experience that the universe has a way of moving things along faster through motivation. the right people will respond with encouragement and with no limits to what you could do. find the people that will feed your soul along the way, because they are out there. and don’t feel like you have to share with everyone. your world isn’t for everyone, i promise. we are all young here. there is no mistake in taking chances and making things happen.
I think that we can all agree that expectation is a bitch, that falling short of knowing not to have them is the greatest interference in life. I usually expect people that are close to me to follow a certain standard, but I also know that my expectations for them is never something that they have to follow. Let’s use respect for example. Respect comes with the common good, that no matter what our individual morals are you know right from right, wrong from wrong. Therefore, we have to treat one another with a level of respect that will keep things moving. We have to try not to hurt each other.
We also have to try and not let our expectations hurt us singularly. I grew up hearing labels that were attached with outlined roles that should fulfill that label. A mother-“care provider”. A Father- “head of household”. A lover- “protector”. A family member-“blood thicker than water”. When those roles weren’t being fulfilled in the correct description, I would blame myself. I thought that maybe I was hard to love because I never really saw those roles done accurately. I now know that who people are suppose to be is just another expectation that weighs humans down. Whether you’re a mother, a father, or a lost soul, we all feel the same and deeply-so I’ve been careful with my words and the way that I judge people, and so should you.
I see the pleasantness that people expect from me everyday as well. But when I’m not at my best, I’m disappointing because I’m not giving the show that people want from me. I watch men make it uncomfortable for me to even work at my job because they think it’s okay to lust for me with their eyes and remarks. I know that they think that attractive women expect those things. Physical beauty is nice to look at sometimes, but that isn’t what makes a person.
Expectations drive unwanted feelings in every scenario you may examine where expectations are at play. I suggest paying attention to everything that goes on, but not attach yourself to those things. There’s always good that can come, but never with disrespect nor the intention to cause discomfort.
it’s fucked up watching people need all of these things. stop what you are doing right now and assess your belongings. ask yourself, “how many times do i use this throughout my daily routines?”
if you aren’t regularly needing it, let’s all take a break so that you can rid of it. i’ve always found that things have only kept me wanting more things. i would go to work just to make a paycheck that I inevitably gave all back to the company that was paying me. within hours of my direct deposit hitting my account, three little digits turned into two. there i sat, worrying about how i was going to eat properly for the next two weeks.
there’s balance in buying the things that you want. especially when you work hard to obtain those things. i splurge on journals, incense, good clean food, and occasionally beauty products. therefore, you don’t see me driving a brand new car, spending money on parties & drinks, nor on repeated items that are already in my closet. these are things i can currently do without and do not serve me at the moment.
i think people let things comfort them. how many conversations can you have to your peers about the latest kitchen gadget you’ve acquired that you’re not using? it’s weird to me.
i guess this gets to me more after visiting a city where people are daily begging for a meal from other human beings. we walk pass these people with our “things” and forget to stop and think that that could be us too. someday. some way.
beggars. people that are helpless, helping less. we are the same as them, begging for more things while lacking contribution to our own well being and the communities around us. we’ve all got to analyze our things.
i know it’s hard to find yourself, wondering how we all got lost in the first place. it usually starts with that first encounter with a stranger that points out your deepest insecurity without knowing. there you find every misleading thing you have ever thought of yourself, confirmed by someone that has never met your soul. most of us don’t know who we are because other people are set on telling us for us. and we let them.
when i discovered that most people are fucked up, most people are hurting, most people are confused; I was forced to surrender to look inside of myself. i found that my uncertainty of who i was came from other people’s shame of themselves. humans are so influenced by other humans, even though we live in a world that has produced many resources for us to be inspired by. but there’s some sort of perfection that we go searching for in other people that we feel we are lacking.
it’s more important to be yourself and to know yourself. i know that i’m a woman who cries when she’s both happy and sad and that’s okay. i know that it radiates my ability to feel and feel it all so deeply. i know that i give out more no’s than yes’s because i have a choice to not do things that don’t serve me. i know that love is of the utmost value to me and is ultimately why i wake up every morning. i know the inevitability of change and my excitement of seeing it all go from bad to good; over and over.
being aware of your sense of self simply relies on you making yourself your refuge. running to you first before anyone else builds an unworldly trust with yourself that will always bring you closer to respect, a strong intuition, and an eternal best-friend.
sometimes I can be a magnet for people who need saving. i’ve known this for some time now. i’ve also known that a part of the reason why i exist is to heal people, even though that responsibility is heavy. i’ve been through some shitty things, but i know how to handle the same shitty things on my own. i know where you can find a genuine smile on a bad day. i’m the one who turns lemons into lemonade and there are people who love turning up the pitcher just to try and find the secret. what makes me laugh is knowing it’s no secret to me. we all have the power. but we also all need each other. sometimes i want to back away from people who have come to drain me of my energy, but i know that there’s no control over wanting to give. i wish there were more people for me to run to. people that could add to me. but then i realize that confiding in people won’t solve my problems, and it won’t solve yours either. people aren’t ours to save, but we can lend support. we can offer love. we can initiate ideas that might get us to happiness. but there’s no fixing one another. we are only the change that we choose to be.