12:33 a.m.

sometimes I can be a magnet for people who need saving. i’ve known this for some time now. i’ve also known that a part of the reason why i exist is to heal people, even though that responsibility is heavy. i’ve been through some shitty things, but i know how to handle the same shitty things on my own. i know where you can find a genuine smile on a bad day. i’m the one who turns lemons into lemonade and there are people who love turning up the pitcher just to try and find the secret. what makes me laugh is knowing it’s no secret to me. we all have the power. but we also all need each other. sometimes i want to back away from people who have come to drain me of my energy, but i know that there’s no control over wanting to give. i wish there were more people for me to run to. people that could add to me. but then i realize that confiding in people won’t solve my problems, and it won’t solve yours either. people aren’t ours to save, but we can lend support. we can offer love. we can initiate ideas that might get us to happiness. but there’s no fixing one another. we are only the change that we choose to be.

July 6, 2017

if ever you wondered
i got drunk without you
i got drunk
i got mad
and woke up missing you
that is
if ever you wondered…

whenever i’m under the influence
it never feels the same
not like it does with you
not true
not honest
not because i’m reminiscing on
getting high with you
then wanting it
then wanting you
yeah, those kind of highs aren’t true…

i don’t think they ever remember you telling them
you love them, and you meaning it
i don’t think they ever remember you
forgiving and forgiving and forgiving
more forgiving
because you’ll want them to forgive you too
you don’t remember me giving time
that i didn’t have
you first, me last
i don’t think they remember you
fucking their brains out
on the floor
always wanting more…

i never answered the others messages
the ones that read
‘wish you could’ve been with me’
i know better
replacing emptiness with savageness
i’m far from there
my mind knows better
and my heart does too…

i am chasing a drifting boat
one without an anchor
one without hope…