Go and find what you’re looking for.

It sucks when the person you run to when you’re hurt is also the person who has hurt you. It feels unexplainable to explain my emotions right now, but turning to words never ruined a broken mind. The thing about loving people is that you always want what’s best for them, even if it means not being with or around you. I’d rather be left alone, than to be strung along. Than to think that I have someone’s complete affection. To know that I’m not in harms way. To know that I’m good with them. One thing that people don’t express about relationships is that you can indeed be heartbroken while in one. It’s worse because this is a person you truly care about, but you hate them all at the same time. But this isn’t about hate or heartbreak at all. This is about people individually setting themselves free, so that they aren’t hurting someone in the process of sorting out their own emotions. What’s selfish, is tricking yourself into believing that you have allowed yourself the right amount of time to move on from someone. What’s selfish is bringing in someone new to deal with it. What’s selfish, is keeping a lie ongoing thinking that it doesn’t ever come to light. If you are not at a state where you can commit to something, you should not commit under any circumstance. Because then there brings in the lack of trust. And if I don’t feel trust, then I don’t feel anything anymore. Go and find exactly what you’re looking for in this world, and leave those who have it figured out alone. So here I sit, jaded in a new city. Time to move closer to myself, in the walls I’ve built a while ago because I knew better. Note that there are people who appreciate love given in an outstanding form. We just have to find them. We have to find people to love who have been loved properly, so they know how to give it back. Or to find those that understand it, even if they never had it. Those are the people who will love you endlessly, and understand what it would feel like if you broke them.

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Moment to moment

Life’s a moment to moment thing

And I’ve been enjoying

Staying out of the way

And just staying here

I don’t want to miss what just happened

Because my mind has drifted

Once again

I don’t want to feel like

The kiss of life, was just pretend

I just want to be here

And feel all that is real

Embracing the silence

Allowing my mind to heal

Life’s a moment to moment thing

Be mindful, be still

3 days before…

The silence in the early morning is a beautiful tease

The universal time clock woke me up

Sleep, decided I had had enough

I am feeling refreshed in this moment

And my mind, not much on it

Last night I spent an hour in Walmart

Just being among people

Just looking at things

Just figuring out the Christmas meaning

It never meant Jesus for me

It was always about the gifts

Because gifts uplift

They show appreciation

They’re a symbol of love

So we pick and choose

The naughty or nice

To the coworkers who saw you cry twice

And never said a word

You’ll pick gifts for them first

Because that’s what’s deserved

And then there’s the gift of time

To embrace those you haven’t

Seen in a while

That’s joy to me

That’s life

Joining us all together as vibrations

Are high

And the laughter that comes after

You’re full from excess treats

Nothing beats

Those short-lived moments

And I miss my mother this time of year

Wishing she were home

Yet another Christmas I have to figure out alone

But that’s just it

People are magically figuring it out for me

People are giving me that gift of time

At least I’m a thought in so many peoples minds

I’ve strayed a bit

But this year

My heart is confidently in it

So let’s celebrate!

As we are.

We spend plenty of time thinking that we are perfectly putting ourselves together in our minds. That if we hide away enough, no one will ever reach who we really are. That is all disproven when life brings you to people who will joust out the best and worst parts of you and yet they are all still true to the pieces of matter that put you as whole. It is also disproven when the same people opening you up are also the ones that accept you as you are. Those people are parts of perfection itself, keeping you when you needed to be kept and finding you when you needed to be found. But as we are…as humans, it’s important to remember that the human next to you is the same. To know that is to free your mind and commit your thoughts to loving who you are, so others will understand exactly how you’re needed to be loved. Just as we are, just as a human.

Clarity.

I just needed to talk

So I’m glad you were here to listen

Seeing things clearer by the minute

My world, you’re in it

But I don’t take that for granted

I am you and you are me

All connected in this entity

All so intimate

Closer than we think

It’s easy to forget the details

And the eyes are blurry to the obvious

All of us are wanting the same things

The in betweens

On the search for meaning

But we are wanting the warmth

From other human beings

The approval to go on

Fearful of being alone

But when I look at myself

I am so much closer to you

So much closer to you.

Intention.

I have never intended to do things mindfully more than I have this year. I write it all out, until it’s out– then I practice on letting it all go. I have never really payed attention to the flow of life more than this year. Everything is connected to everything else, and our focus becomes our reality. Even though I know this, there are still moments where I question why am I here. On some occasions I don’t feel like I’m here at all, but even that indicates there’s some slowing down that needs to occur inside of me. I am only one human, and although there may be a million things I can take on, doesn’t mean I should.

Yesterday morning I mentally broke down, but in a way that no one could tell at all. I stood questioning this routine of work, sleep, repeat and the people echoing that’s how adult life goes. As a hard worker, I’ve always known that working a job would never bother me too much. What I wasn’t aware of is that the kind of job you work is what will either longterm drain you or inspire you. In this moment, I felt drained. Uninspired by people buying an excess amount of things that they don’t need and providing despondency when they’re not able to get what they want. Meanwhile, I send them off with a smile and try to move along with my day without allowing that to clutter my brain.

The problem here was never my occupation, but instead my intention. I know that in two months I will be starting a new adventure that I could never fully imagine it’s life changing components. I have also been granted with the funds,space,and energy to make it all happen. Alongside me are a few incredible people supporting and motivating me every second of the day. Therefore my intentions for this everyday routine should be that it will be over in a matter of time, so find beauty in little moments while I’m here in the present.

These little melt downs always help me to regroup and to separate the things that matter from the things that don’t. My mental and physical health. My positivity. My frequencies projecting onto others. My peace.my love. They all matter. I also have to find areas of life that do inspire me, so that I’m not blaming it on a job or  ending back up with this feeling.

Setting daily intentions turns into bigger goals and dreams that bring me closer to my purpose. Doing things because they lead to something greater.