August Rant.

it’s fucked up watching people need all of these things. stop what you are doing right now and assess your belongings. ask yourself, “how many times do i use this throughout my daily routines?”

if you aren’t regularly needing it, let’s all take a break so that you can rid of it. i’ve always found that things have only kept me wanting more things. i would go to work just to make a paycheck that I inevitably gave all back to the company that was paying me. within hours of my direct deposit hitting my account, three little digits turned into two. there i sat, worrying about how i was going to eat properly for the next two weeks.

there’s balance in buying the things that you want. especially when you work hard to obtain those things. i splurge on journals, incense, good clean food, and occasionally beauty products. therefore, you don’t see me driving a brand new car, spending money on parties & drinks, nor on repeated items that are already in my closet. these are things i can currently do without and do not serve me at the moment. 

i think people let things comfort them. how many conversations can you have to your peers about the latest kitchen gadget you’ve acquired that you’re not using? it’s weird to me.

i guess this gets to me more after visiting a city where people are daily begging for a meal from other human beings. we walk pass these people with our “things” and forget to stop and think that that could be us too. someday. some way. 

beggars. people that are helpless, helping less. we are the same as them, begging for more things while lacking contribution to our own well being and the communities around us. we’ve all got to analyze our things.

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Abuse

I’ve known abuse as visible scars
grip so tight it leaves his
fingerprints on your arms
screams that children don’t understand
will forever have dreams of a man
being vicious because he can
no one ever stops him
But there’s abuse in words
that you wouldn’t believe
So baby girl, don’t be naive
There’s symbols to recognize
pay attention to the way he treats his mother
the way he loves her
will be the way that he loves you
if he calls his mother a bitch
then he’ll probably call you one too
they tell you love is hard
disguise all the guys that treat you bad
into victims
and you must save him
’cause he’s never received love
like you’re willing to give
he’s never known what it’s like to live
Save him they say
change him they say
he’ll come around one day

Self-abuse
your unwillingness to leave
believe in self-worth that pours
the kind that stimulates a room
that moves when you move
and opens glassed doors
No one will ever disrespect
nor neglect someone
who accepts
their own.

23.

I’m not like the other girls

I know that now

I know that weight fluctuates 

Depending on your health

And not because you’re getting older

I know to become bolder

About taking charge of the problem at large

I know

That as I grow, I grow more beautiful 

And I see it when I’m meditating in the mirror

Looking right at myself, I know the girl I’m staring at

And as a matter of fact, she knows me too

So you don’t have to tell me.

I know that if I’m not talking about love, then I’m not being me, then I’m not

feeling peace

I’ve got things to figure out

I know how to separate the ideas that people have of me, from the things I’m

really about

I know lies could hurt the sweetest soul

And taint a beautiful sky

I know why

Because I know just the power we have

To turn rainbows into bumpy roads

I know

I know who I love and I know who loves me

And I’m so lucky.

I know that sex 

Is the best

With the one that you love

And none of that has to do

With religion

Or the decision 

To give it to someone

You don’t have a title with.

I know that suffering is in the world, but we don’t have to suffer

I now know that hard times aren’t things we have to experience 

So in remembrance of fear

May you Rest In Peace.

I know that goals come from dreams

And those achieved goals

Become my reality

Become everything I wanted

Until I begin to want more

So I practice 

Thinking of what I have

In the moment

In gratefulness

In wholeness.

I know that life is about change

And you should never want things

To remain the same

I know that turning a new year

Makes you wonder how you’ve been here

For so long

And with many years to come

Why?

The why is what we all want to know

Creating your own ‘why’

Just for show

I know

This life

Alright, all right.

No fear

no fear
there’s no fear left here
i am tired but i am happy
i am growing
knowing of a lot
but I know nothing.

I’m convinced that the happier you are
the happier everyone you love will be
I’m convinced that there’s power
in our souls
to move the world with the matter
we are created with
inside of us.

What a relief
to live with no fear
’cause everything you have
ever asked the skies for
has accumulated
in your atmosphere.

What a relief
to be a woman
that knows
but knows nothing
but can separate the differences
between
expectation,
obsession,
and focus on
blessings
lessons
and forget about the unknown.

What a relief
to have love
in my hands
What a dance
it has been!
without seeking
without fearing
without pushing it away.

No fear
I stopped fearing here
I stopped giving in
I stopped feeling
unnecessary pain.

No shame
no more
playing the blame game
for not having it all
because of being
too scared to fall.

No fear
I’m glad you’re no longer
here.

Half truths

Half truths never surprised me, because I’ve always known where they came from. We often hear “yeah, I’m busy tonight” instead of “I don’t want to hang out” or “you look pretty today” just to dish out a compliment that we may not mean. But it sounds good. All of these statements come from fear of disappointing. Then there’s the half truths that we all live with and accept without realizing. Palm trees aren’t actual trees, but a form of grass. Tomatoes are really fruit, but we still place them in the vegetable aisle. We are content with being told what something is, and just believing it. If you question everything, then you’re perceived as intolerant. “Why can’t you just go with the flow?”

I don’t find myself telling half truths very often, and I also don’t have to take pride in it. It just is. It’s only seldom that I feel the need to twist the truth to protect someones feelings. I know that protecting peoples feelings has become a socially acceptable normal, but I’m not here for it. I’m only here to guard my own. I use to think that putting yourself first was selfish. I use to think that being humble meant allowing people to give those half truths. Staying polite. Keeping the peace.

I have learned that a part of me carries many introverted characteristics that won’t allow me to add things to my life that don’t add to me. But again, I’m aware that half truths come from a place of fear; so I’m more understanding of people acting out on fear.

But as I grow, I notice that every now and then I have to look around and let go of my ego. And so, you should let go of yours too.

Here’s something, living in your own bubble is easy. I have to tell myself to not allow half truths to harden me. I don’t want to be apart from displaying who I am. My mistakes. My accomplishments. My love. They are all a part of my whole truth, and give it when necessary.

And so I’m still practicing. I ask myself will by telling half truths build me up or break me down in the long-run. It’s okay to slip up. It’s okay to indulge, but notice those moments. Find the time to know grace and live in that state.

Mindfulness

I think it’s important to remember mindfulness. Actually, I know it is. I know that if I’m not mindful my mind will wander into places I don’t want to go. I know that my actions affect everything else around me. I know that it’s important to remember to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. And repeat. I know all of these things.

What I don’t know, is how to get the people around me to know mindfulness as well. I watch people do the same routine everyday without a goal. So, they’ll being that for the next twenty years. It saddens me. I watch people be together physically, but mentally their minds are engaged with applications and text messages. I watch people stand in front of beautiful scenery, while never capturing it with their minds. They walk away from those unforgettable moments not even remembering being there.

Then, I watch people burst out into anger, not realizing that they could be triggering someone’s anxiety; their need to escape to quietness. I watch people talk of more bad than good, not registering that you receive what you put out, that negative attracts negative, and that I don’t want that shit.

You have to be careful with your walk. Know your steps and how you’re moving. Today, try being mindful that every moment is precious. Don’t go wasting it on anger, not living in the moment, and going through the motions. Remember, what is not growing…is dead.