Morning realization.

There are five freckles that 

Align your back

You have no choice but to love me back

I know you better than the kids from

Third grade

They saw you weird and shameless

Their minds were clear

Before teenage hormones caused health

To decline, unwinding into miserable 

beings

Realizing no one knows what it all means

But gravity and matter or whatever it is

Places people in perfect spaces 

To see inside of other people

And we should be thankful for that

We should be kneeling on our knees

Meditate on all the ways this could be 

fucked up

But it’s still so beautiful

Don’t ever lend my love 

Don’t ever give this up.

Abuse

I’ve known abuse as visible scars
grip so tight it leaves his
fingerprints on your arms
screams that children don’t understand
will forever have dreams of a man
being vicious because he can
no one ever stops him
But there’s abuse in words
that you wouldn’t believe
So baby girl, don’t be naive
There’s symbols to recognize
pay attention to the way he treats his mother
the way he loves her
will be the way that he loves you
if he calls his mother a bitch
then he’ll probably call you one too
they tell you love is hard
disguise all the guys that treat you bad
into victims
and you must save him
’cause he’s never received love
like you’re willing to give
he’s never known what it’s like to live
Save him they say
change him they say
he’ll come around one day

Self-abuse
your unwillingness to leave
believe in self-worth that pours
the kind that stimulates a room
that moves when you move
and opens glassed doors
No one will ever disrespect
nor neglect someone
who accepts
their own.

Peace.

I rush through my days like I’m racing with time or life and I watch others around me do the same. Recently, I started waking up in the mornings, green tea & my journal in hand and my bathrobe draped over my body. In my comfort, I write down all of the things I am grateful for. I’ve been searching for appreciation for the things that I do have, while reflecting on the things that I want. Obtainable wealth. Continued honest love. A fulfilling job. Adventure. More time. These are just a few things that I foresee, things that I am willing to work for.

Gratefulness helps me to not gain obsession over the future. I like the ten minutes in the morning with the things that already add so well to my life. It’s easy to forget that I have a place to sleep at night, I have choices in the clothing I wear each day, and most importantly I have peace.

It took me a while to get here. I remember dreading going to sleep at night due to 2 a.m. thoughts stuffing me into an intense submerged place. I would know what I want and concentrate on how to get it instead of believing that I don’t know how but anything is obtainable. Even simply wanting to have a good day.

I owe my good days to my acknowledgement of how lucky we are to be here. I know sometimes the things that go on in the world can offset worthiness. Although moved, these things don’t blur my vision to be a part of the better world. I am at peace in my heart with knowing that the universe is looking out for me. I have peace in knowing love and having it from very abundant places. I am happy that peace has found me.

Wholeheartedly.

July 6, 2017

if ever you wondered
i got drunk without you
i got drunk
i got mad
and woke up missing you
that is
if ever you wondered…

whenever i’m under the influence
it never feels the same
not like it does with you
not true
not honest
not because i’m reminiscing on
getting high with you
then wanting it
then wanting you
yeah, those kind of highs aren’t true…

i don’t think they ever remember you telling them
you love them, and you meaning it
i don’t think they ever remember you
forgiving and forgiving and forgiving
more forgiving
because you’ll want them to forgive you too
you don’t remember me giving time
that i didn’t have
you first, me last
i don’t think they remember you
fucking their brains out
on the floor
always wanting more…

i never answered the others messages
the ones that read
‘wish you could’ve been with me’
i know better
replacing emptiness with savageness
i’m far from there
my mind knows better
and my heart does too…

i am chasing a drifting boat
one without an anchor
one without hope…

23.

I’m not like the other girls

I know that now

I know that weight fluctuates 

Depending on your health

And not because you’re getting older

I know to become bolder

About taking charge of the problem at large

I know

That as I grow, I grow more beautiful 

And I see it when I’m meditating in the mirror

Looking right at myself, I know the girl I’m staring at

And as a matter of fact, she knows me too

So you don’t have to tell me.

I know that if I’m not talking about love, then I’m not being me, then I’m not

feeling peace

I’ve got things to figure out

I know how to separate the ideas that people have of me, from the things I’m

really about

I know lies could hurt the sweetest soul

And taint a beautiful sky

I know why

Because I know just the power we have

To turn rainbows into bumpy roads

I know

I know who I love and I know who loves me

And I’m so lucky.

I know that sex 

Is the best

With the one that you love

And none of that has to do

With religion

Or the decision 

To give it to someone

You don’t have a title with.

I know that suffering is in the world, but we don’t have to suffer

I now know that hard times aren’t things we have to experience 

So in remembrance of fear

May you Rest In Peace.

I know that goals come from dreams

And those achieved goals

Become my reality

Become everything I wanted

Until I begin to want more

So I practice 

Thinking of what I have

In the moment

In gratefulness

In wholeness.

I know that life is about change

And you should never want things

To remain the same

I know that turning a new year

Makes you wonder how you’ve been here

For so long

And with many years to come

Why?

The why is what we all want to know

Creating your own ‘why’

Just for show

I know

This life

Alright, all right.

Good Religion

Good religion
spilling your soul to the people you love
without thought
on whether you should or not
with Good religion
love becomes spirituality
and love is all that’s needed.

Good religion
requires focusing on yourself
before distributing half of you
to someone else
You must remain whole
like our world,
in our universe,
in a space unknown.

Good religion is saying
‘I love you’
because I know that
I love me too
Loving me enough
filling me up
so that no one has to do it for me
but your company is pleasurable,
non-measurable,
and so I’m glad that you’re here.

Good religion
is knowing that self-love
isn’t a destination,
but a journey
to draw the people around you
closer.

There’s power in a practice
that teaches you not to practice
and just be good
because you should.

Taking people for granted.

In a world that influences selfishness, more than selflessness; it is easy to take people for granted. I’ve done this, and you’ve done it too. Luckily, I found myself doing this when I was much younger, so now I’m able to recognize the importance of valuing the people that are here around me and for me. That is, being here purely without expectations of receiving something in return, understanding that we individually have a set amount of time that should be appreciated when shared, and realizing that in seconds it could all be over.

We’re told to keep trying with people, because we are all humans with many mistakes made. Here’s where I’ve always allowed people to take me for granted. Here’s also where I’ve taken people for granted. I have never known when to stop giving. I’ve noticed a pattern of pushing limits. It’s interesting to see how long you can get away with doing the minimum before someone calls you out on your shit. And sometimes, they never call you out and you know this. But I’ve learned that I never want it that way. If it is hard to appreciate me when I’m doing so much for the people that I love, then maybe something should be eliminated from the equation?

But who are we kidding? Eliminating something from the equation doesn’t pair well with loving people. Our perception of love is a parallel idea with the term unconditional. When you decline to separate yourself from the idea of how this goes, you’ll never experience a situation where you’re valued. People will use you to try and fix things about themselves, and it has nothing to do with loving you. But there you are, pushing through and accepting things from people that you know you aren’t comfortable with because “there should be no conditions”. There you are, questioning your character over and over.

I think that people think that gratitude can only be shown through gifts or giving in to what another person wants fulfilled. The best moments to see are the ones where someone admits their lack of appreciation, and backs away because they know they won’t allow themselves to be a better person for you. I always think that if that person could just be a better person for themselves, then it would fix so much about their interactions with people long term.

Being gracious can often be as good as saying “thank you” or “I appreciate you”. However, these phrases can sometimes become robotic and rehearsed, just because it sounds good. I struggle with holding people accountable. At some point you will feel like you deserve more, or as if something is missing. That is your intuition letting you know that you’re not okay with being taken for granted. You can either push it away and accept it as routine, or you can free yourself from a situation that’s held your enthusiasm for given your all captive. Sometimes you will also find that people will try and make you sound crazy or needy; probably because the receiver is comfortable and satisfied. The relationships that we form everyday with people should always be a mutual give and take. A person that is taking you for granted is taking and taking. The logical conclusion here is to stop being the giver. Then, they’ll have nothing else to take.

As a giver, I’m aware that it’s easy to manipulate me into these kinds of situations. However, I’ve accepted my strength in giving, and I’ve chosen not to change that about myself. I notice everything that is going on around me, so I never feel like I’m being fooled. I know when I’m being treated good or when something seems unfair. I have found comfort in putting my good energy into the things that will flow good energy right back to me.

When we aren’t careful, the people we hold on to become such a huge part of us. It’s then difficult to think that they’re taking you for granted when you’ve always seen them as a reflection of who you are. If you know yourself, as a giver, then you’re aware that you could never drain someone in that way.

Sometimes, the people that love you may not be aware that they’re taking you for granted or that you feel unappreciated. You have to hold people accountable for their actions so that they’re able to do better. In the moments when they still don’t understand the issue, then maybe you should reevaluate what’s important to you and if you can compromise or not. Just remember that you’re not wrong if you decide that a friendship or relationship doesn’t work for you anymore.

Remember to say I love you, I appreciate you, and I’m grateful for you to those that would stand shoulder to shoulder with you on your best and worst days.