On growth & moving along in life.

I don’t have any intentions for this post, I’ve just been laying in my bed scrolling through post from my longtime favorite bloggers and began to notice a theme. At now 23, I still loathe in the ideas from the same blogs I read when I was in the eleventh grade. I admired many women who grew up in the tri-state area, their crazy nights in the city, their passion for love and their lovers. They all seemed so vibrant and anew. Now when I read their writing and where they are in life, it saddens me to see that they have gone through so much while searching for their identity through words and still are but now much older than me.  Many have gone in and out of relationships, homes, family members-everything they once loved to the highest tier. It’s something about tracking your life in these blog spaces. It gives you the chance to reflect back and see how much you’ve progressed or how much you’ve digressed. And that thought brought me right to my own center. Everything I’ve ever “lost” is simply because I had to lose it. Every tough moment developed me into a very hard working woman, and sometimes I find myself never wanting to stop working. Working on myself. Working on a goal. Working on relationships. The growth that we experience comes from our ability to take our losses as things that have to occur to reach our ultimate being.  But there’s also growth of the mind. Doing what you have to do for yourself, while not worrying about the opinions from anyone else. Allowing yourself to not let negative thoughts overpower the positive ones. Listening more and really understanding what’s going on around you.
Now, everything is aligning and my goals are making so much sense. It’s kind of exciting to see that the woman I thought I always wanted to be, I’m completely opposite from that and it’s worked out just fine. Adversity will always be, but raising yourself to a higher level moves you farther away from it. 

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driving past blue lights.

What all the world is seeking

Is a hall pass to hate

Their history still reflecting on our skin

Our sins that were already placed on our 

paths

Their men make it harder for ours and then 

blame it on God.

Afraid of the blue lights

That are warranted here

To protect and to fight

Why does driving pass them

Not feel right?

Why do minds curate plans

To make sure it’ll be alright 

Why don’t we feel rescued?

How could you have fantasies 

Of edging your hands against my curves

While never considering

How I got here first?

By the same type of man

That you don’t want to have command

So you break down the walls of him feeling 

like a man

Doing all he can to provide for his family

Where’s the apathy?

Morning realization.

There are five freckles that 

Align your back

You have no choice but to love me back

I know you better than the kids from

Third grade

They saw you weird and shameless

Their minds were clear

Before teenage hormones caused health

To decline, unwinding into miserable 

beings

Realizing no one knows what it all means

But gravity and matter or whatever it is

Places people in perfect spaces 

To see inside of other people

And we should be thankful for that

We should be kneeling on our knees

Meditate on all the ways this could be 

fucked up

But it’s still so beautiful

Don’t ever lend my love 

Don’t ever give this up.

Driving & writing.

How does happiness find its way to
A boy who was already born sad?
I’ve convinced myself that the world isn’t what we think we know
And you have too
Dry your eyes
For I’m right here with you
Driving home in the late night
As the moon shines like the sunlight
I reach out to you in my mind
Encouragement never comes easy
To the boy who turned into a man
And is doing all he can
To survive loneliness while amongst man
How does he live?
Giving all that he can give to an unforgiving world
While in love with a girl
Who finds truth embedded in his curls
But heartache at the surface
It’s hard to endure love
When lacking the purpose
So the tears on her face
Are from the prayers she prays to a place
She’s not sure exists
To a form that never answered her
To a man that promised bliss
Just for you to feel a sense of peace
Oh where’s god when you need him?
How does change lead to freedom?
Free him
From the worldly things
From the things that don’t mean a thing
And only show him love…
Only show him love.

Abuse

I’ve known abuse as visible scars
grip so tight it leaves his
fingerprints on your arms
screams that children don’t understand
will forever have dreams of a man
being vicious because he can
no one ever stops him
But there’s abuse in words
that you wouldn’t believe
So baby girl, don’t be naive
There’s symbols to recognize
pay attention to the way he treats his mother
the way he loves her
will be the way that he loves you
if he calls his mother a bitch
then he’ll probably call you one too
they tell you love is hard
disguise all the guys that treat you bad
into victims
and you must save him
’cause he’s never received love
like you’re willing to give
he’s never known what it’s like to live
Save him they say
change him they say
he’ll come around one day

Self-abuse
your unwillingness to leave
believe in self-worth that pours
the kind that stimulates a room
that moves when you move
and opens glassed doors
No one will ever disrespect
nor neglect someone
who accepts
their own.

July 6, 2017

if ever you wondered
i got drunk without you
i got drunk
i got mad
and woke up missing you
that is
if ever you wondered…

whenever i’m under the influence
it never feels the same
not like it does with you
not true
not honest
not because i’m reminiscing on
getting high with you
then wanting it
then wanting you
yeah, those kind of highs aren’t true…

i don’t think they ever remember you telling them
you love them, and you meaning it
i don’t think they ever remember you
forgiving and forgiving and forgiving
more forgiving
because you’ll want them to forgive you too
you don’t remember me giving time
that i didn’t have
you first, me last
i don’t think they remember you
fucking their brains out
on the floor
always wanting more…

i never answered the others messages
the ones that read
‘wish you could’ve been with me’
i know better
replacing emptiness with savageness
i’m far from there
my mind knows better
and my heart does too…

i am chasing a drifting boat
one without an anchor
one without hope…

23.

I’m not like the other girls

I know that now

I know that weight fluctuates 

Depending on your health

And not because you’re getting older

I know to become bolder

About taking charge of the problem at large

I know

That as I grow, I grow more beautiful 

And I see it when I’m meditating in the mirror

Looking right at myself, I know the girl I’m staring at

And as a matter of fact, she knows me too

So you don’t have to tell me.

I know that if I’m not talking about love, then I’m not being me, then I’m not

feeling peace

I’ve got things to figure out

I know how to separate the ideas that people have of me, from the things I’m

really about

I know lies could hurt the sweetest soul

And taint a beautiful sky

I know why

Because I know just the power we have

To turn rainbows into bumpy roads

I know

I know who I love and I know who loves me

And I’m so lucky.

I know that sex 

Is the best

With the one that you love

And none of that has to do

With religion

Or the decision 

To give it to someone

You don’t have a title with.

I know that suffering is in the world, but we don’t have to suffer

I now know that hard times aren’t things we have to experience 

So in remembrance of fear

May you Rest In Peace.

I know that goals come from dreams

And those achieved goals

Become my reality

Become everything I wanted

Until I begin to want more

So I practice 

Thinking of what I have

In the moment

In gratefulness

In wholeness.

I know that life is about change

And you should never want things

To remain the same

I know that turning a new year

Makes you wonder how you’ve been here

For so long

And with many years to come

Why?

The why is what we all want to know

Creating your own ‘why’

Just for show

I know

This life

Alright, all right.