Go and find what you’re looking for.

It sucks when the person you run to when you’re hurt is also the person who has hurt you. It feels unexplainable to explain my emotions right now, but turning to words never ruined a broken mind. The thing about loving people is that you always want what’s best for them, even if it means not being with or around you. I’d rather be left alone, than to be strung along. Than to think that I have someone’s complete affection. To know that I’m not in harms way. To know that I’m good with them. One thing that people don’t express about relationships is that you can indeed be heartbroken while in one. It’s worse because this is a person you truly care about, but you hate them all at the same time. But this isn’t about hate or heartbreak at all. This is about people individually setting themselves free, so that they aren’t hurting someone in the process of sorting out their own emotions. What’s selfish, is tricking yourself into believing that you have allowed yourself the right amount of time to move on from someone. What’s selfish is bringing in someone new to deal with it. What’s selfish, is keeping a lie ongoing thinking that it doesn’t ever come to light. If you are not at a state where you can commit to something, you should not commit under any circumstance. Because then there brings in the lack of trust. And if I don’t feel trust, then I don’t feel anything anymore. Go and find exactly what you’re looking for in this world, and leave those who have it figured out alone. So here I sit, jaded in a new city. Time to move closer to myself, in the walls I’ve built a while ago because I knew better. Note that there are people who appreciate love given in an outstanding form. We just have to find them. We have to find people to love who have been loved properly, so they know how to give it back. Or to find those that understand it, even if they never had it. Those are the people who will love you endlessly, and understand what it would feel like if you broke them.

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thursday night stream of thoughts.

i could poor tears right at the start of a melody that is that good. tonight, i’m exploring apple music, letting the artist i already listen to take me to new ones. i never get the chance to do this, like i would when i was in 11th grade on christmas break. i would stay on tumblr all night placing notes on all things i had no idea about. but people’s pain always interested me. my mother use to tell me that my way of thinking is sometimes harsh, but i always wondered why people hurt and never try to do anything to fix it. then i became an adult and realized that some people are doing their very best with just waking up every morning. it’s recurring for me to mention that people are just people. and i will continue to stand by that idea. tonight, this is just a stream of my thoughts, but i hope you can always take a little something from me. know that these alone moments are gifts to gather your thoughts.

i have so much. i am full. and this time, i don’t have to do anything but enjoy it. i hope our children grow up to know that the control is never ours. i hope they know that pain and stress cause more sickness. i hope they know that it’s dope to try new things and to do what drives happiness at all times. i hope they grow up to know that opportunity is driven by change. i hope they know to enjoy the sunshine, even when they tell you it’ll be cold. i also hope that you are choosing a lover that sees the same brightness in the future as you. one that knows how good it is. one that knows we are lucky. yes, lucky. chosen. prosperous. make no mistake here, there’s no mistake. so life moves along and we follow on the path to our destiny’s. or maybe not. just know that it is happening. we can either enjoy or destroy.

this year was so different. i have to look at myself sometimes and i wonder who am i? not because i’m lost, but i find myself doing things i said i never would. i started loving in a way that i never imagined. my honesty levels are out of this world and i’ve been giving the truth like it’s judgment day. i’ve been working hard in all areas of my life and have seen wonderful return from doing so. i am becoming a really dope woman with a nice ass. haha just a little humor for you. but life is good. life is truly, good.

Moment to moment

Life’s a moment to moment thing

And I’ve been enjoying

Staying out of the way

And just staying here

I don’t want to miss what just happened

Because my mind has drifted

Once again

I don’t want to feel like

The kiss of life, was just pretend

I just want to be here

And feel all that is real

Embracing the silence

Allowing my mind to heal

Life’s a moment to moment thing

Be mindful, be still

Water

In the shower

For an hour

Watch my flower bloom

Washing the day away

Nothing to do

Til tomorrows noon

This time nourishes my toes

This time nourishes my soul

Soothe the day away

In my quiet place

Or noisy space

Just me & my thoughts

While the waters hot

Self care,I’m aware

This is how I take care of you

By taking caring of me too

The purest water taking away my insanity

Reminding me

Of yet another day to reflect on

Thankful! Same old song