August Rant.

it’s fucked up watching people need all of these things. stop what you are doing right now and assess your belongings. ask yourself, “how many times do i use this throughout my daily routines?”

if you aren’t regularly needing it, let’s all take a break so that you can rid of it. i’ve always found that things have only kept me wanting more things. i would go to work just to make a paycheck that I inevitably gave all back to the company that was paying me. within hours of my direct deposit hitting my account, three little digits turned into two. there i sat, worrying about how i was going to eat properly for the next two weeks.

there’s balance in buying the things that you want. especially when you work hard to obtain those things. i splurge on journals, incense, good clean food, and occasionally beauty products. therefore, you don’t see me driving a brand new car, spending money on parties & drinks, nor on repeated items that are already in my closet. these are things i can currently do without and do not serve me at the moment. 

i think people let things comfort them. how many conversations can you have to your peers about the latest kitchen gadget you’ve acquired that you’re not using? it’s weird to me.

i guess this gets to me more after visiting a city where people are daily begging for a meal from other human beings. we walk pass these people with our “things” and forget to stop and think that that could be us too. someday. some way. 

beggars. people that are helpless, helping less. we are the same as them, begging for more things while lacking contribution to our own well being and the communities around us. we’ve all got to analyze our things.

Driving & writing.

How does happiness find its way to
A boy who was already born sad?
I’ve convinced myself that the world isn’t what we think we know
And you have too
Dry your eyes
For I’m right here with you
Driving home in the late night
As the moon shines like the sunlight
I reach out to you in my mind
Encouragement never comes easy
To the boy who turned into a man
And is doing all he can
To survive loneliness while amongst man
How does he live?
Giving all that he can give to an unforgiving world
While in love with a girl
Who finds truth embedded in his curls
But heartache at the surface
It’s hard to endure love
When lacking the purpose
So the tears on her face
Are from the prayers she prays to a place
She’s not sure exists
To a form that never answered her
To a man that promised bliss
Just for you to feel a sense of peace
Oh where’s god when you need him?
How does change lead to freedom?
Free him
From the worldly things
From the things that don’t mean a thing
And only show him love…
Only show him love.

my sense of self.

i know it’s hard to find yourself, wondering how we all got lost in the first place. it usually starts with that first encounter with a stranger that points out your deepest insecurity without knowing. there you find every misleading thing you have ever thought of yourself, confirmed by someone that has never met your soul. most of us don’t know who we are because other people are set on telling us for us. and we let them.

when i discovered that most people are fucked up, most people are hurting, most people are confused; I was forced to surrender to look inside of myself. i found that my uncertainty of who i was came from other people’s shame of themselves. humans are so influenced by other humans, even though we live in a world that has produced many resources for us to be inspired by. but there’s some sort of perfection that we go searching for in other people that we feel we are lacking.

it’s more important to be yourself and to know yourself. i know that i’m a woman who cries when she’s both happy and sad and that’s okay. i know that it radiates my ability to feel and feel it all so deeply. i know that i give out more no’s than yes’s because i have a choice to not do things that don’t serve me. i know that love is of the utmost value to me and is ultimately why i wake up every morning. i know the inevitability of change and my excitement of seeing it all go from bad to good; over and over.

being aware of your sense of self simply relies on you making yourself your refuge. running to you first before anyone else builds an unworldly trust with yourself that will always bring you closer to respect, a strong intuition, and an eternal best-friend.

12:33 a.m.

sometimes I can be a magnet for people who need saving. i’ve known this for some time now. i’ve also known that a part of the reason why i exist is to heal people, even though that responsibility is heavy. i’ve been through some shitty things, but i know how to handle the same shitty things on my own. i know where you can find a genuine smile on a bad day. i’m the one who turns lemons into lemonade and there are people who love turning up the pitcher just to try and find the secret. what makes me laugh is knowing it’s no secret to me. we all have the power. but we also all need each other. sometimes i want to back away from people who have come to drain me of my energy, but i know that there’s no control over wanting to give. i wish there were more people for me to run to. people that could add to me. but then i realize that confiding in people won’t solve my problems, and it won’t solve yours either. people aren’t ours to save, but we can lend support. we can offer love. we can initiate ideas that might get us to happiness. but there’s no fixing one another. we are only the change that we choose to be.

Peace.

I rush through my days like I’m racing with time or life and I watch others around me do the same. Recently, I started waking up in the mornings, green tea & my journal in hand and my bathrobe draped over my body. In my comfort, I write down all of the things I am grateful for. I’ve been searching for appreciation for the things that I do have, while reflecting on the things that I want. Obtainable wealth. Continued honest love. A fulfilling job. Adventure. More time. These are just a few things that I foresee, things that I am willing to work for.

Gratefulness helps me to not gain obsession over the future. I like the ten minutes in the morning with the things that already add so well to my life. It’s easy to forget that I have a place to sleep at night, I have choices in the clothing I wear each day, and most importantly I have peace.

It took me a while to get here. I remember dreading going to sleep at night due to 2 a.m. thoughts stuffing me into an intense submerged place. I would know what I want and concentrate on how to get it instead of believing that I don’t know how but anything is obtainable. Even simply wanting to have a good day.

I owe my good days to my acknowledgement of how lucky we are to be here. I know sometimes the things that go on in the world can offset worthiness. Although moved, these things don’t blur my vision to be a part of the better world. I am at peace in my heart with knowing that the universe is looking out for me. I have peace in knowing love and having it from very abundant places. I am happy that peace has found me.

Wholeheartedly.

23.

I’m not like the other girls

I know that now

I know that weight fluctuates 

Depending on your health

And not because you’re getting older

I know to become bolder

About taking charge of the problem at large

I know

That as I grow, I grow more beautiful 

And I see it when I’m meditating in the mirror

Looking right at myself, I know the girl I’m staring at

And as a matter of fact, she knows me too

So you don’t have to tell me.

I know that if I’m not talking about love, then I’m not being me, then I’m not

feeling peace

I’ve got things to figure out

I know how to separate the ideas that people have of me, from the things I’m

really about

I know lies could hurt the sweetest soul

And taint a beautiful sky

I know why

Because I know just the power we have

To turn rainbows into bumpy roads

I know

I know who I love and I know who loves me

And I’m so lucky.

I know that sex 

Is the best

With the one that you love

And none of that has to do

With religion

Or the decision 

To give it to someone

You don’t have a title with.

I know that suffering is in the world, but we don’t have to suffer

I now know that hard times aren’t things we have to experience 

So in remembrance of fear

May you Rest In Peace.

I know that goals come from dreams

And those achieved goals

Become my reality

Become everything I wanted

Until I begin to want more

So I practice 

Thinking of what I have

In the moment

In gratefulness

In wholeness.

I know that life is about change

And you should never want things

To remain the same

I know that turning a new year

Makes you wonder how you’ve been here

For so long

And with many years to come

Why?

The why is what we all want to know

Creating your own ‘why’

Just for show

I know

This life

Alright, all right.

No fear

no fear
there’s no fear left here
i am tired but i am happy
i am growing
knowing of a lot
but I know nothing.

I’m convinced that the happier you are
the happier everyone you love will be
I’m convinced that there’s power
in our souls
to move the world with the matter
we are created with
inside of us.

What a relief
to live with no fear
’cause everything you have
ever asked the skies for
has accumulated
in your atmosphere.

What a relief
to be a woman
that knows
but knows nothing
but can separate the differences
between
expectation,
obsession,
and focus on
blessings
lessons
and forget about the unknown.

What a relief
to have love
in my hands
What a dance
it has been!
without seeking
without fearing
without pushing it away.

No fear
I stopped fearing here
I stopped giving in
I stopped feeling
unnecessary pain.

No shame
no more
playing the blame game
for not having it all
because of being
too scared to fall.

No fear
I’m glad you’re no longer
here.