If you asked me what my purpose in life was, I would almost immediately respond with some sort of action that involves love. I have always believed in love over all things. I have always sought to represent love as well. As a respectful thing; as a valuable thing. There’s a ball of energy engraved in the core of love, and I can’t help but to feel moved by its power to bring light in dark spaces.
We are living on love. It takes time to let vulnerability arrive and we seem to frequently fight that. By letting go of the attachment of what our interactions should be like, we allow ourselves to be open to love showing just how precious our lives are.
The value of this energetic force could never have a price. The energy exchanged through human to human connections helps us to survive. We need one another.
So many things remind me of love. Evoking in me that I am living on valued energy. Energy that never dies. Energy that just flows on…
And I am grateful, I am thankful.
I spend a lot of time searching for it, so I know that everyone else is trying to do the same- and that’s the part that makes me sad. I can’t help but to blame the internet, or the ‘go’ that coffee gives, or anything that seems to move faster than humans alone do. But those things aren’t happiness. Anything temporarily providing the sensation like when cool wind blows at the peak of fall, isn’t permanent happiness. That, is only one feeling alone. Happiness encompasses all– seeing the right things, hearing sounds clearly and being aware of them, intense arrival in your heart when love is there and alive, balance moving you forward gracefully, and most importantly your mind remains with no fear. Happiness is like pulling on your lover and having them right there for you because they know that you need them. That gesture, that feeling of alrightness, provides a level of comfort for you to take a deep inhale and exhale right where you are, knowing that everything is meant to be exactly how it is at that very moment. And that, is enough. You are full.
It came to me as I lay in the middle of my bed this morning, thoughts racing on how I’m going to spend my day off. I closed my eyes and rolled over on my side coaching myself to get up and make the day count. ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself ‘. Don’t take this simple decision and find ways to worry. Go get yourself the cup of tea you want, then afterwards go to the bookstore and stay for however long you want; reading books you can’t afford. Write it all out today. Take yourself to dinner or buy really good groceries and make a fulfilling dish. Take a nap when you’re tired. Do yoga or go to the gym and they both count as excercise. Your bills are paid so there’s no worries. You are lucky to be here, so enjoy. You are doing your very best. Self-care can be as simple as providing yourself with the moments to be alone and breathe. Silence feeds me peace, but being labeled as an extrovert doesn’t really give me much room to say “I just really want peace and quiet alone and I’m not necessarily sad about anything”. Working hard can weigh on your psyche and can leave an unwanted mellow numbness. I don’t want to be numb, especially as a person with so much feeling. Many things are going on around us, but we have the control on what we expose ourselves to. Although negative thoughts may occur, I try to ask myself “is this useful?”. I then find myself heading back to the center of what is actually important. Taking the time to regroup and separate today, and if you are feeling the weight then you should too.
I don’t have any intentions for this post, I’ve just been laying in my bed scrolling through post from my longtime favorite bloggers and began to notice a theme. At now 23, I still loathe in the ideas from the same blogs I read when I was in the eleventh grade. I admired many women who grew up in the tri-state area, their crazy nights in the city, their passion for love and their lovers. They all seemed so vibrant and anew. Now when I read their writing and where they are in life, it saddens me to see that they have gone through so much while searching for their identity through words and still are but now much older than me. Many have gone in and out of relationships, homes, family members-everything they once loved to the highest tier. It’s something about tracking your life in these blog spaces. It gives you the chance to reflect back and see how much you’ve progressed or how much you’ve digressed. And that thought brought me right to my own center. Everything I’ve ever “lost” is simply because I had to lose it. Every tough moment developed me into a very hard working woman, and sometimes I find myself never wanting to stop working. Working on myself. Working on a goal. Working on relationships. The growth that we experience comes from our ability to take our losses as things that have to occur to reach our ultimate being. But there’s also growth of the mind. Doing what you have to do for yourself, while not worrying about the opinions from anyone else. Allowing yourself to not let negative thoughts overpower the positive ones. Listening more and really understanding what’s going on around you.
Now, everything is aligning and my goals are making so much sense. It’s kind of exciting to see that the woman I thought I always wanted to be, I’m completely opposite from that and it’s worked out just fine. Adversity will always be, but raising yourself to a higher level moves you farther away from it.
Floods stream down the cement
And I am feeling low with them
Parallel to drifting away
But not knowing where to
You can have everything you need
But still want more
You could make more money
But still feel like you need more
You could feel relief from
Great accomplishments, yet still feel like you’ve done nothing
What’s it all for?
Is it all for something?
The good gives the good
And that still may not be good enough
We’re like stars, we just are
And there may or may not be anything to that
Give me my innocence back
Because I remember envisioning what it would be like
In a couple of years
And all I’ve collected is a pile of fears
Are the streams bringing themselves down too? Or is it the weight of the world?
Floods stream down the cement
And it keeps moving
It keeps going, floating
And as days pass it all goes away
A change in the weather
Brings new seasons to a new day
to start over again
The rain is only the beginning
Never the end.
too many times this year i’ve found myself wondering where to go next. all of these times i’ve known that i am ready to go, but i was never sure where. all i know is writing is my passion, i’m in my element with words. and someday i’d like to have a good paying job that allows me to write. i also want easy living, in a city where people don’t need much but the scenery around them. when i express my wants for my life to people it always feels like they think that i’m dreaming and that i should wake up now. even to the people who are also dreamers, they never take the next step to turn things into reality. so i just sit next to them and wonder when will you get tired of wanting? but these moments have a way of reflecting it back to my life as well. when will i get tired of wanting and when will i just do?
i’m here to let you know that sharing your dreams (goals) that you have set for yourself is tricky, and cannot have expectation of supportive reactions behind it. people are just people and they’re not placed on earth to provide approval. also, because we all have different paths it’s only clear that things may make sense to you, but to someone who has plans that are completely opposite may have blurred vision as to how it could happen for you. i find that people place their concerns on your dreams based on their own fear of failure (which is probably why accomplishing their own dreams are hard:because of fear). when you are sharing your dreams and goals with other people who are also goal oriented, you will experience that the universe has a way of moving things along faster through motivation. the right people will respond with encouragement and with no limits to what you could do. find the people that will feed your soul along the way, because they are out there. and don’t feel like you have to share with everyone. your world isn’t for everyone, i promise. we are all young here. there is no mistake in taking chances and making things happen.
What all the world is seeking
Is a hall pass to hate
Their history still reflecting on our skin
Our sins that were already placed on our
Their men make it harder for ours and then
blame it on God.
Afraid of the blue lights
That are warranted here
To protect and to fight
Why does driving pass them
Not feel right?
Why do minds curate plans
To make sure it’ll be alright
Why don’t we feel rescued?
How could you have fantasies
Of edging your hands against my curves
While never considering
How I got here first?
By the same type of man
That you don’t want to have command
So you break down the walls of him feeling
like a man
Doing all he can to provide for his family
Where’s the apathy?